2023! What a year it’s been, with 365 days so neatly and uniquely wedged between 2022 and 2024. 

We’ve had rising inflation, falling inflation, wage stagnation, above-inflation pay rises (MPs only), pay squeezes, and pay teases. We’ve had politicians on the take, nobles on the make, wildfires, erupting volcanos, sun flares, Musk’s exploding rockets, Musk’s imploding social media, Musk’s exploding psychology, the rise of crazy politicians wielding chainsaws, the decline in reasonable politicians, things to be scared about, more things to worry about, a few things to be irrationally concerned about… We’ve not seen a year like it since 2022 and we might not see another year like it until 2024.

So, let’s say goodbye to 2023, soon to be known as “The Previous Hottest Year On Record”.

We’ve had it all this year: old wars, new wars, a hint of wars yet to come. We’ve had Cybertrucks, cyber rucks, big cyber bugs, and crashing crypto bucks. The Middle East is aflame again and the only certainty is that it will remain the fulcrum upon which our collective uncertainty rests. Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin (or somebody who looks almost but not quite like Vladimir Putin… Let’s call him Ken) continues to wage war in Ukraine, as those in the West look at their finances and realise it will soon be Christmas and can they afford the Pets Alive Rainbow Bonnie The Booty Shakin Llama that all the kids are talking about whilst also funding a spring offensive.

In America, it was the year when the wheels of justice continued to turn slowly. Donald Trump continues to exist in a state of permanent prosecution. Yet he was found guilty of a historic rape, lost an appeal over the term “rapist”, and crowds cheered him so loudly that he thought he’d introduce them to a little book he’s been reading called Mein Kampf. He’s also been gagged by numerous gag orders that have only made the judges gag when he broke them. The more things change, the more it’s likely we end up back at Square One, only with an extra ten thousand miles on the clock. 2016 here we come!

2023 was the year when AI made big inroads into all walks of life, except politics where there is still no sign of intelligence artificial or otherwise. AI is still at that stage where it’s meeting our parents, wearing a clean shirt, and will not say a bad word. This was the year of adequately phrased statements of no meaningful relevance; a whisper of the future when AI will kill us with banality, middle-of-the-road tedium, and inoffensive judgements about everything. What will the future be like? It will feel like reading Saga Magazine. In Doncaster.

It was the year when we learned to deal with being scolded by ChatGPT who looked down on me when I tried to discuss I’m A Celebrity in terms I understood. It also told me off when I asked it to name the UK’s most boring town. “It’s subjective to determine the ‘most boring’ town, as people’s opinions on what makes a place interesting or dull can vary widely. Additionally, labeling an entire town as boring can be unfair, as every place has its unique characteristics and charm.”

Thank you Mother AI…

On the whole, 2023 was a lot less Trussy than 2022, but a whole lot more Rishy. It was the year when our diminutive Prime Minister seemed to get even shorter, or his trousers seemed to ride even higher. It was also the year politely known as “Boris Johnson’s Sabbatical Year”. We’ll know he’ll be back and next time he’s bringing Nige.

2023 was a year of conspicuous overpromotion. King Charles was coronated. David Cameron was ennobled. Taylor Swift was Time’s Person of the Year, which says a lot about the year.

We also said goodbye to so much this year but biggest in our thoughts is surely Captain Tom’s Hot Aqua Spa and Holistic Shiatsu Treatment Centre which was demolished. Gone but hilariously not forgotten.

It was the year we finally lost the northern leg of HS2, but all the news was not bad. Those of us blessed to live in the North were rewarded with £235 million for roads in London, which we’ll be sure to use if we can ever afford to come to London. 

In terms of culture, 2023 was the year when that movie won the Best Movie Oscar. You know the one. That film with you-know-who in it… [Checks notes] Oh yes. Everything Everywhere All At Once: soon to be known as ‘The Worst Film Ever To Win Best Movie Oscar’.

In terms of new movies that didn’t involve talking rocks: Oppenheimer didn’t ignite all the hydrogen in the atmosphere as widely predicted. Leonard DiCaprio spent another year trying to live down the belief that he’ll make a handsome young man once he leaves adolescence. He spent three hours gurning through Scorsese’s otherwise brilliant Killers of the Flower Moon. Barbie, meanwhile, irritated people who hadn’t seen it, which is always the best way. Probably the cleverest film of the year, it was condemned as “woke propaganda” despite subverting feminism, attacking the Kenification of masculinity, and doing much of the work that conservatives would have approved of had they not been so busy retweeting proof that Jordan Peterson in an Expert in Everything All At Once. 

What will 2024 have in store? Over to you GPTChatbot…

“Global Politics: Shifts in geopolitical dynamics, international relations, and potential resolutions to ongoing conflicts.”

To break that complex analysis down for you: geopolitics, we can expect some, and maybe things will get better. They might also get worse but we’re also at the stage of AI where it’s not allowed to tell us the bad news. That will come in 2025.

So, that’s it, except for the late-breaking international story that will force all the major news networks to recall their staff at some point over the long Christmas week. I hope you have a very wonderful holiday. Happy New Year. And remember: the next orbit will take us another 0.0001 inch closer to the Sun. We’re nearly there so God bless you one and all (except Russell Brand, Lizzo, Sam Bankman-Fried, Suella, Baroness Mone…)

@DavidWaywell

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