Bob Dylan has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize (is this right?) for a body of work that includes Self-Portrait (1970), which was once voted the third worst rock and roll album of all time. Dylan’s surprise Nobel victory is the talk of Twitter and because his fans are over-represented in the media we can expect to see several days of coverage by columnists (mainly men, Dylan bores tend to be men) explaining why the judges were justified in giving the prize to Bob, or “his Bobness” as his devotees sometimes call him. In newspapers on both sides of the Atlantic, hard-pressed features and comment desks in news organisations will at this very moment be working out how to best handle the news. Many of those involved – the foot soldiers – will have no interest in Dylan whatsoever, but will have to feign expertise and interest. Here, after a career spent on newspapers, where these sorts of questions tend to get executives of a certain age most excited, is my cut-out-and-keep throwaway guide to covering Dylan’s elevation.

Who is Bob Dylan?

That is a surprisingly good question. It will initially be assumed that everyone knows exactly who Bob Dylan is, but many of the readers across the generations will have only the vaguest of ideas, thinking of him merely, if at all, as the man with the bird’s nest hair and the funny voice, an American Ken Dodd. How many non-fans can name three of Dylan’s songs? He is estimated to have sold around 100m records in his 127 year career. That is roughly the same as the number of records sold by Julio Iglesias. Others who have sold a similar amount include Chicago, Lionel Richie, Kenny Rogers and Stevie Wonder. In contrast, Madonna has sold three times that amount and the Beatles and Elvis 500-600m each. Ah… “bread-head” but it’s about more than sales. Bob is… Bob.

What did Bob Dylan do?

Bob Dylan is a popular beat combo from the 1960s, a devoted disciple of the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. No, that’s not true. Dylan was immensely important and significant, as the man who made the 1960s switch, who changed the culture by fusing folk music, electric guitars, youthful cool, literary allusion and intelligent lyrics. The Beatles were energised and inspired by their encounters with him, and by drugs. Dylan is the bridge from the old world, the world of Elvis, to a more cynical, knowing, liberated, politically engaged age. Actually, that’s not all entirely true either. In terms of smart lyrics Chuck Berry got there half a decade at least before Dylan, writing his own extraordinary lyrics at his peak that were social history in a rock and roll setting. But Chuck Berry is black, made some terrible later records and was not fashionable with white students on campus during the Vietnam War. Which makes Dylan the man for a certain kind of man.

Can Dylan sing?

No. Next.

Who can we get to defend Dylan?

There is no shortage of men over 40 in the media who will write you a poignant piece explaining why Dylan deserves the Nobel Prize for Literature. He was their personal soundtrack into adulthood, a one man Beatles whose lyrics and meaning can be debated at length.

Is Bob Dylan a poet?

He has written many great songs but the answer must be entirely subjective. To address this theme you might consider getting a Professor of English or a literary editor to write a pompous piece about him not being a proper poet, but this might not make the cut. (See next question on editor’s tastes.) There is also the possibility that the Professor of English might want to make a name for him or herself and declare Dylan superior to Shakespeare, or bigger than Rod (Stewart). Check all this first before commissioning.

Is the editor a fan?

This is crucial to establish and the answer may dictate the extent and nature of the coverage required. As ever on newspapers, the prejudices of the editor (especially on the arts) shape coverage. During the afternoon editorial conference – in which the story will be deemed “a talking point” (who for? other than journalists?) – if he or she sighs and says: “Bob Dylan? The Nobel Prize for Literature? Really?” then you’ll probably need to find a knocking piece. Or at least a for-and-against pair of companion pieces. So that there is something to balance the 800 words from the 68 year-old Dylan fan among the columnists who is asking to be allowed to write 8000 words and is sitting at home in a haze of dope trying to get “in the Dylan vibe”.

Who will denounce Dylan?

No shortage of candidates here if you need it. Beyond Professors of English you will find that the best kicking in print will come from old-school art critics and Tory columnists who think Dylan winning the Prize is definitive proof that Western civilisation and culture is decadent and doomed. Dylan? Literature? Has the world gone mad? They will adopt the incredulous tones of a high court judge of old and even ask: Who is Bob Dylan? Now you know the answer.