Life

Bounder Analytica, or how to spot a wrong’un

BY George Trefgarne | tweet Georgetrefgarne   /  29 March 2018

Reaction continues to lead the way in automated journalism and having recently pioneered a computer-generated article about Millennials we have now launched our proprietary character evaluation strategy called Nine Bob Note®.

Using this newly developed data tool which analyses in a nano-second thousands of words and behaviours across the entire population via their online footprint, we have been able to isolate certain signifiers which indicate with more than 90% probability whether an individual is legit, kosher, or in fact no good. We find it is especially useful in the Big Data space, where a perception has incorrectly grown up that it is full of charlatans and phoneys.

The appearance of any one of these terms is not in itself an indicator of con artist at work, but a combination of them raises the probability dramatically. We consequently alerted client that Simon Nix of Cambridge Analytica had several risk factors some time ago.

Blockchain

Use of the word blockchain in an investor presentation, especially for an IPO, is an undoubted danger signal.

Gucci loafers

If worn by men, these are an inherent warning sign especially if they have extremely thin soles.

Very thin middle-aged women

Our software has found that a middle aged woman with a traditional Rubens-style figure is usually more trustworthy than one with the figure of Pippa Middleton honed by hours in the gym. The latter can be an indication of Becky Sharpe style tendencies if accompanied by a year-round suntan and evidence of botox on the forehead or a tattoo on the wrist or ankle.

Yoga

While practising this athletic art is acceptable, talking about it repeatedly or even worse going on a retreat and boasting about it can be worrying.

Eton

It used to be the case that the alumni of Britain’s most famous school could reliably dismiss others from lesser institutions as “MPSIA” (Minor Public School Syndrome I Am Afraid). It was, for instance, always said that it was “typical Harrow” that Sir Mark Thatcher went there. Now, however, Eton is the new Harrow and Harrow the new Eton. As for the state system, the number of bounders per head of population remains low.

Hair slightly too long at the back

Long hair is ok in a man. What is not ok is for a man to have short hair all over except at the back. This used to be known as “a mullet” but since it was sported by the suspended chief executive of Cambridge Analytica we call it a Nixit.

Silver hair

Women who dye their hair a fashionable silver or grey do not encourage confidence in our system.

Chelsea season ticket

Chelsea is the football club of choice for the modern cad, just as Arsenal is the club of choice for all those who voted Remain in the EU Referendum and Millwall for those who voted Leave.

Tony Blair

The public ceased trusting the former Prime Minister over the false claims about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and this has been reinforced by his subsequent association with Oligarchs (see Eton, above). But we could have told you something didn’t add up years before when he started wearing electric blue suits, ludicrously expensive swimming trunks and lapsing into Estuarial English.

Euroscepticism

It is a moot point as to whether there are more snake oil salesmen among Brexiteers than Remainers, but it is certainly true that knowing Nigel Farage raises the probability of bounderism noticeably. We regularly scrape the internet for those who are photographed with Mr Farage which is why we spotted Donald Trump as Not Safe in Taxis® soon after he was elected as President.

Special Forces

These elite soldiers hold an inherent fascination to any bounder (see Tony Blair, above) and while showing appropriate respect for the armed forces is actually a good thing, repeated reference to “Hereford” or “a mate of mine in the SAS” is a red warning on our system.

Artificial Intelligence

As any fule kno, this is BIG. REALLY BIG. For those who do not have the budget for our full Nine Bob Note® package we do offer an entry level service called Common Sense®.

Finally, if anyone says, “hang on, I wear Gucci loafers/dye my hair silver” we hasten to add this is just raw data, it is the combination of these features with others which our system analyses for bounder signals. Please click here for a trial.


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