Right, we watched Jeremy Corbyn’s speech to the Labour conference so that you don’t have to. The mind numbing text was delivered with all the indignation and passion of an elderly gentleman lodging a complaint in the underwear department at Marks & Spencer because the elastic on his pants has given out after only 15 washes. Corbyn’s speech went on for what seemed like five hours, so in contrast I’ll keep this short.

Five quick things to take away before you book your flight to Switzerland in search of financial asylum or go to the pub to get blitzed out of your brain while you can still afford the price of a round. You won’t be able to do either of those things if Corbyn wins.

  1. Yes, Jeremy Corbyn is winning. The MSM (fascist mainstream media with their fascist mainstream media antics) thought the speech long and dreary, with no fizz or coherent thread. That misses the point. His voters love that he doesn’t play that game of entertaining journalists with an attempt at a Big Speech. He warbles along – hello trees, hello sky, sorry homeless person, naughty property developer – and suggests all the difficult stuff will go away. After ten years of tough news and public sector restraint, and George Osborne on the telly, and Tories looking like Tories, they blame the government and want to escape.
  2. The Corbynite cult thing is getting really creepy. This is Britain. These are politicians. Never love politicians. Not only might they let you down, what with being human like the rest of us, but they are at their absolute worst when they think that everyone loves them. To that end, some of the wilder Corbynites are already practising for when they can dress up in Owen Jones-designed uniforms and suppress journalists. You might not like us journalists (as a journalist, I don’t blame you) but you’ll get to like the wide-eyed true believers in the Corbynite party howling down the media even less than us – once they move on to telling you what to do in every aspect of your life. And yes, they will, given a chance.
  3. The Corbyn economic plan is wibble wibble, has anyone seen my parrot?, totally bananas. It will drive away wealth, which is more mobile than it ever has been, and turn the economy to rubble. But the public is not listening to warnings and young voters especially do not want to hear it.
  4. All the adulation is going to the heads of Corbynites. Emily Thornberry looks so pleased with herself that she may propose. Looking in from outside, the conference screamed self-satisfaction and puritan piety. They have drunk a lot of kool aid. Those of us old enough have seen what happens in the end, but quite a lot of damage can be done before they lose.
  5. Labour with a membership of 570,000 and rising is a monster of a political machine and if they want to compete the Tories need to get off their backsides. “Who’ll ever join the Tories again?” a Tory MP asked me woefully the other day. Sure, well, no-one if you go around moping and saying no-one will join. There will be a lot of worried taxpayers and hardworking non-Corbynites out there. Talk to them. Go on, try. Organise.

Or, go and book that flight to Switzerland.