(Don’t) be mine: a celebration of Anti-Valentine’s day
They say the course of true love never did run smooth but chuck in a worldwide pandemic, three lockdowns, a range of restrictions, and it’s been about as smooth a ride as a sandpaper rollercoaster. The coronavirus outbreak has meant cupid’s arrow has had to point itself in all sorts of different directions, from zoom drinks to socially distant strolls. It has been a challenging year for daters, and one thing is for sure, some will hold “Valentine’s Day” tomorrow in extra-contempt. So, to those of you who are single, broken-hearted or purely see Valentine’s Day as a capitalist extravaganza, why not celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day on the 13th and 15th of February instead?
Anti-Valentine celebrations started back in the Victorian era and the early 20th century with a “vinegar valentine”. A “vinegar valentine” or “comic valentine” were commercially-bought postcards sold both in the US and the UK – February 14th marked a day where unlucky victims would receive these vinegar valentines from anonymous enemies. The postcards featured both an illustration and a short line or poem, poking fun at a recipient’s looks, intelligence, reputation or poverty. They would range from a light tease; “I’m not attracted by your glitter”, to plain harsh; “everyone thinks you an ignorant lout.” The cards were dispatched anonymously, where the receiver had to guess then who hated him or her.
One vinegar valentine titled “Old Maid,” said the following:
She’s caught a poor cat and a bird,
But she can’t snare a man, so we’ve heard,
It’s the old maid’s sad fate
To lose out on a mate
And take tea – but s-sh! not a word
This vinegar valentine, titled “You are a nerve-destroyer”, holds no mercy:
When a pig’s getting slaughtered, the noise that it makes
Is sweeter by far than your trills and your shakes;
And the howling of cats in the backyard at night,
Compared with your singing’s a dream of delight.
Your squalls and your bawls are such torture to hear,
A man almost wishes he had not an ear:
If someone would choke you, and thus end their pain.
Hearty thanks from your poor distressed neighbours he’d gain.
Another vinegar valentine titled “A Face That Would Stop A Clock” packs a punch:
In prison you ought to be doing some time,
For to wear such a face must surely be a crime.
If you ’mongst Gorillas had chanced to be born,
They would have disowned you with loathing and scorn;
For a monkey – no matter how homely a brute –
When placed beside you would be ranked as a “bute.”
Ouch! If that didn’t sting enough, the recipient not only had to receive such scathing notes, but they also had to pay the postage upon delivery – double ouch! Suddenly, “ghosting” doesn’t seem so cruel.
If sending a vinegar valentine may be a stretch too sour, there are a whole host of other ideas to mark Anti-Valentine’s day: order a piñata and fill it with the names of ex-lovers, celebrate “Galentine’s” or “Palentines”; paint roses black, solo karaoke to Alanis Morissette. Or watch an unromantic film to kill the mood, Requiem for a Dream or Texas Chainsaw Massacre might work. On the other hand, if you’re after something a bit less active, read the following tales about dating in the 21st century. Far from the fairy tales headlines of “I found love in a pandemic” or “Lockdown made us stronger”, here are some Grimms’ Nightmares of 21st century dating. *
*All stories have been anonymised to prevent any future embarrassment
Swede and Sour
“I once went for a socially-distant stroll in July with a Swedish girl, and she couldn’t understand a word I said (I’m Scottish). She got a call and spoke in Swedish and turned to me and asked “Do you want to know what I said? ‘I said you weren’t funny, but you found me funny.’ – great”
Football fan
I once went on a date with this guy who had been at a Chelsea football match that day and so naturally, did my research and pretended to know all about football. After getting progressively drunk, name-dropping several players and former managers to impress him, my attention refocused immediately to a fluffy dog sitting by the bar. I excused myself from the table, went up and petted the dog for more time than I should have. My date looked shifty, and as we left, he turns to me and says, “You do know who that was right?” “Who?”, I asked. “The guy with the dog, that was Frank Lampard”.
The tooth fairy
“I once got a ten pound note left on my pillow after a date snuck out at 3 am.”
The ‘intruder’
“I woke up at 5am to a pounding on the door and screaming ‘is anyone in?!’. My flatmate and I thought it had been this crazy stranger who we saw on the street earlier and so freaked out, climbed out the window and into the garden. We both grabbed wine bottles as a defence and eventually decided to call the police. The police arrived, and it turned out our other flatmate’s date from earlier that night was trying to leave as he had a funeral to go to, but caught on his way out between two doors. My flatmate was sound asleep for all of it.”
The narcissist
“I decided to ask out this guy, he accepted and proceeded to show up to the date two hours late. He then told me he had spent all of the night before crying about his ex-girlfriend before being incredibly presumptuous about his and my “wedding”. To make matters worse, at one point, he took out a printed photo of himself shirtless and left it on the table.
Ah, the trials and tribulations of modern dating – it really does take your breath away. Happy Anti-Valentine’s Day.