Don’t panic! There is no shortage of stupidity!

Fears of shortages in the UK’s supply of industrial-grade dimwittery continued apace on Wednesday despite the nation’s largest suppliers assuring the public that stockpiles of hoof-to-brain thinking were still high.

“Don’t panic!” a government spokesperson might have screamed while sweating profusely, before expressing hopes that a plan to press ahead with Universal Credit cuts would reassure the public that the government has plentiful reserves of painfully bad ideas.

A similar message came from Labour, on Monday night, after Andy McDonald left his post in the shadow cabinet. His claim that the party is “more divided than ever” under Kier Starmer should be enough to keep the nation’s longest-running journey towards political obscurity going until supplies of unleaded lunacy arrive with the next delivery of toxic logorrhoea from Angela Rayner. The Labour Party’s deputy leader called Tory ministers “scum” last week, contributing to the party’s huge increase in self-inflicted wounds observed in figures released on Tuesday.

Although rationing was predicted, there were no signs of shortages in the supply of folly as the Labour Party began its conference in Brighton. Rumours of a plan to restore the Labour whip to the former leader, Jeremy Corbyn, had people queueing along the waterfront. “I saw the tanker with Momentum written on its side, so I followed it here,” explained one man who said he’d travelled 20 miles in hope of getting just a gallon of crudely factionalised thinking.

Proving the rule that one of something is rarely enough, Corbyn’s cause was boosted by the appearance of his brother at a fringe meeting. Piers Corbyn wore a “Resist! Defy! Don’t comply!” t-shirt whilst handing out leaflets claiming that “man-made climate change does not exist”. Given that he alone makes up approximately 55% of the UK’s supply in batcrap lunacy, Corbyn’s appearance reassured markets that national stocks were still high.

Meanwhile, across the country, panic has led people to adopt desperate measures. Many queued to fill jerry cans with high-octane anti-vaccination gimcrackery after rumours emerged that supplies might run low. One of the country’s biggest producers of unverified bilge, David Icke, has been working hard to meet demand and has now doubled his output to three books, a podcast, and mini-series a day. “Garlic farms on the moon! Porridge is the sixth dimension! The government has secretly fitted the Isle of White with wheels!” Icke probably said to a crowd of supporters who, collectively, shouldn’t be left in charge of a loaded spoon.

Elsewhere, moonbeam-hugging eco plonks continue to superglue their organic yam-fed haunches to motorway bridges in the belief that delaying emergency vehicles will win over the public. “We need to move the economy over to fully renewable bullshit,” said Norman Earthseed, an activist from Leeds who claimed he’d once powered an entire bean commune for a week by reading a single Guardian article by George Monbiot.

Even smaller suppliers were joining in the efforts. Britain First, a group of far-right neo-meatheads, has now registered as a political party and will supply toxic ideas to the growing number of people living far off the intellectual grid. Although ethnonationalism makes up a small percentage of the UK’s supply of mental pollutants, its effect is particularly profound among people who consider the swastika a fashion statement and often wonder about the mysteries of maths beyond the number 10.

As panic spread, the public has increasingly turned to the black market of bad takes. On Twitter, The Telegraph’s cartoonist, Bob Moran, proved that spinning-eyed spacehoppery can always be found if you’re willing to search. Those running short of abuse directed towards palliative care staff (and, let’s be honest, who isn’t these days?) were in luck as Moran launched an attack on NHS doctor, Rachel Clarke, who had defended wearing masks. “She deserves to be verbally abused in public for the rest of her worthless existence,” said Moran, before Twitter removed the tweet (and subsequently Moran) from their service, further contributing to the perceived deficit in empty tubs to thump.

The shortage of bad ideas might well be an illusion, but the government moved quickly to open the gates so foreign concepts might soon start to enter the UK market and help ease shortages. 

With plans to import bad ideas from America hit by the lack of a trade deal with Donald Trump, the UK might yet turn to China, second only to Right Said Fred as the world’s largest provider of arsewittery. They also hope that a new three-month window will attract enough European drivers of the media narrative and that, by Christmas, the public will be able to enjoy a plentiful supply of bad ideas, including “biodegradable underwear” (Spain), “prunes are best ingested nasally” (Poland), and of course, “knotted ropes to the moon are humanity’s future” (Italy).