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A source close to George Osborne has handed me his secret plans for the Evening Standard, now that he has been unveiled as editor. It’s a newslist, bit sketchy, nice mix of subjects, with some of the scoops he is bringing to his latest part-time job. And instructions on layout
From: George (in BA first class lounge at Heathrow Terminal 5)
To: Standard editorial staff (beginning latest 17 hour shift)
New Moscow Evening Standard masthead – can we do this in Russian?
Page 1 main puff – Multi-tasking: Do you have too many jobs? (use picture of handsome mid-40s man boarding BA flight.)
Blurb: Inside – free extra large wallet for every reader* (terms and conditions apply, offer restricted to Blackrock employees and contractors.)
Page 1 Poll reveals UK crying out for leadership. A shock poll conducted exclusively for the Evening Standard in the Kremlin, Blackrock HQ and George Osborne’s house, has revealed that Britain is desperate for a new Prime Minister. Ideally, the person would be a former Chancellor and part-time editor of a free London evening newspaper. “It’s what Britain needs. Someone called George to take us back into the EU,” said Frances, from West London.
Page 2 – Trump declares war on Iran. Nuclear strike on Tehran. Four million dead.
Weather: cloudy over Brexit, brightening up in the 2020s when Britain re-enters the EU and everyone apologises to George Osborne.
Page 3 – some pictures of rich people in restaurants that readers haven’t heard of.
Page 4 – Wallpaper and where to buy it. In-depth look at the world’s leading wallpaper specialists for people with too much money.
Page 5 – Full page ad. Osborne and Little – new wallpaper range.
Page 6 – Something terrible happening in Lewisham.
Page 7 – some pictures of rich people readers have never heard of attending the launch of a new Russian vodka-flavoured aftershave at the V&A Musuem.
Page 8 – Top editorial: Country wants leadership. May considers standing aside. Obsorne will take on premiership part-time when persuaded by Queen, and depending on the salary. We support this.
Short editorial: Where would we be without wallpaper?
Page 9 – Britain’s greatest Chancellors. Vote in our exclusive poll. Press one for “the chap before Philip Hammond” and 2 for “George Osborne.”
Page 10 – Still can’t stop accepting jobs? The latest trend to hit high-achieving West London men. Picture of man in BA first class.
Page 11 – Relaunched Londoner’s diary.
Lead: Is Mrs May looking tired? Does she need a rest? (picture of Mrs May looking tired.)
Second story: Is Philip May looking tired?
Third story: Frances Osborne book launch party.
Fourth story: Blackrock social action project in Streatham unveiled. Great work guys!
Fifth story: Vladimir Putin to buy Leyton Orient FC, plus other assorted Russian deals of vague status.
Page 12 – City latest, sponsored by Blackrock, in association with Gazprom. Not much happening today in the City of London. No-one doing anything wrong. Move along, nothing to see here.
Page 13 – More City coverage. Everything fine.
Page 14 – Downpage may not be room for a short on potential puncturing of catastrophic asset bubble blown since 2010-2016 by cheap money and QE.
Page 15- Dear Dave. Read our exciting new advice columnist Dave Cameron from West London. Everyone is talking about him (check this).
Q: Dear Dave, I’ve been offered the part-time editorship of a London evening newspaper by a Russian chap. Should I accept?
Q Dear Dave, my friends say I will but really… will I ever become Prime Minister”
A: Sorry, no.
Page 16 – Fire in Whitechapel kills 57 pensioners.
Page 17 – Full page ad for Blackrock. Part of their “owning the world so you don’t have to” campaign. Great get this. They will pay for the next one!
Page 18 – Does my salary look big in this? Dark blue suits for every occasion.
Page 19 – Cheshire town reports confused MP “missing for eight months.”
After that… lots of sport. Is that right? Soccer?
See you next week! G x