Life

New Reaction app launched to help readers understand millennials

BY George Trefgarne   /  6 December 2017

We are pleased to announce that automation has about made its first inroads into a previously unconquerable area of working and creative life – the news media.

In the last few months the Reaction team have been secretly testing our proprietary algorithm to produce stories about one of the most exciting demographics ever – Millennials. So far it has had outstanding results, producing hundreds of stories on any subject users require.

Born in the 1990s or early 2000s, Millennials are exceptionally interesting to advertisers because despite not leaving university until they are 27, they all now have tech jobs in chillaxed WeWorks offices, with free coffee (craft beer on Fridays!) and table tennis tables. The reason? Simple. When they finish their £100-a-week internships on their 30th birthdays, they will be free to spend their salaries which they have cleverly invested in BitCoin, which has gone up 10,000 per cent. The pound, by contrast, is now worthless due to Brexit.

Unlike any previous generation of middle class kids, Millennials are cool, idealistic, and into the latest diets. Admittedly, they do live in rented flats, even though their parents could all afford to buy massive houses as soon as they reached 18. (If you do employ a Millennial, do not mention “property” or other words like “suburbia”, you may get a bad response).

Millennials are also distinctive in other respects. They spend most of the day on social media, which is why the productivity figures are so bad. They are all very angry about Brexit and, in comparison to their Fifties predecessors like Simon Schama and Caitlin Moran, are socially liberal and enjoy hanging out with foreigners.

Millennials are also the first generation to really understand that until 1997, when the war-monger Tony Blair came to power, everyone in Britain drank instant coffee and the literature was all rubbish. Thank goodness the curriculum is now being decolonised, following a pioneering campaign by the University of Cant, which recently managed to have Jane Austen removed from the new bank notes after trolling Mark Carney on twitter. Don’t get us wrong though, Carney is a friend.

Among Millennials recent achievements is to win an apology from Pizza Hut for advertising The Sun, which nobody under 65 reads. Pizza Hut now only advertises on the Canary and has withdrawn its infamous pepperoni topping, which was made using meat linked to a think-tank advising Michael Gove and Boris Johnson on Brexit.

One thing the older generation needs to understand is that Millennials have suffered true hardship and not had the benefits their predecessors experienced in previous decades, such as mass unemployment (1930s) the Blitz (1940s); chlamydia (1960s); or the Munchies (1970s).

Type any word into our new App and it will randomly generate a Millennial story which can be immediately published in any newspaper or website edited by an uncool middle aged person about to be sacked for “inappropriate conduct” at a Christmas party held in the now-renamed Balls Brothers. This gender-specific bar has now been neutralised to “Spherical People” and, like Pizza Hut, apologised.

Examples of our work include:

The Independent – Millennials are travelling more because they cannot afford to buy a house
http://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/millennials-travelling-houses-cant-afford-property-prices-industry-experts-contiki-u-by-uniworld-g-a8090891.html

Travel News – Millennials are the most vacation deprived age group
https://www.travelagentcentral.com/running-your-business/millennials-are-most-vacation-deprived-age-group

The Guardian – Sober is the new drunk, why millennials are ditching pub crawls for juice crawls
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/apr/21/millennials-booze-free-events-juice-crawl-new-york

The Guardian – Millennials discover the joys of ‘Mindful Drinking’ 
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/26/millennials-discover-mindful-drinking-non-alcoholic-festval

We find our App has been especially successful when used by financial PRs hoping to place stories in the personal finance press, although this premium version of the App does cost more. For premium subscribers who type in “house prices”, or “student loans”, it auto-generates very angry articles, each one thousands of words long. For example:

Financial Times – Should a Millennial get a mortgage to buy property abroad?
https://www.ft.com/content/3e9e2a38-0b87-11e6-9456-444ab5211a2f

However, our most clicked on stories are of the more risqué kind. This is because Millennials no longer go on what used to be called “dates” and instead copulate randomly after passing each other in a new segregated cycle superhighway:

BBC – Why Millennials enjoy exotic sex
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-42051827

 Vice – Why Millennials aren’t having any sex
https://www.vice.com/sv/article/wd7vj9/why-arent-millennials-fucking

Finally, we should flag one issue. We have our best developers working 24/7 on another App which produces stories suitable for the DIY press, but it is still work in progress. Despite consumer surveys showing that Millennials have eschewed traditional brown furniture for stuff made by IKEA, there is some evidence that they are not what used to be called “handy”. Apparently, they actually ring up their Dads on the telephone if a flat pack needs assembling or a shelf putting up. We will WhatsApp you if we are able to bring this ground-breaking product to market.