The New York Times, sorry the failing New York Times as President Trump calls it, has been mocked for offering tours to its readers of Brexit Britain for $6,000. There has been much sniggering. The rumour is that the premium version of the tour apparently costs $10,000, for which sensible Americans don’t have to visit Brexit Britain for five days and can go to Tuscany instead.

But there is good news. The initiative has inspired the Reaction team to curate (put together at speed) our own incredible offer. Here’s what wealthy American tourists can expect when they sign up for our bespoke (*) tour of the UK.

Day One: Guests will be transported direct from the first class lounge in Heathrow Terminal 5 to Boston (Lincolnshire, not Massachusetts) to meet locals spending a substantial part of the day in the pub complaining about immigrants coming over here taking all the jobs. Deep in the heart of Brexit country, you will be served by Magda from Warsaw who has two degrees in nuclear physics. For the full authentic Brexit Britain experience we board minibuses for an overnight stay in Clacton’s finest guest house (bed not supplied).

Day Two: Back to London at dawn for a lecture by leading Brexit campaigner Bill Cash MP on the history of the Eurosceptic movement since the Reformation. (8am-7pm, with no breaks.) After that a free evening set aside to explore London’s legendary entertainment hub, Soho. What could possibly go wrong?

Day Three:  ‎Meet the Remainers. Join leading members of the metropolitan liberal elite as they go through a day of “primal scream” therapy sharing their experiences since the referendum of 2016. Questions addressed in the seminar include: Should they form a new party? (No.) It’s over, isn’t it? Where is Grimsby anyway? And is leading Remainer philosopher A.C. Grayling a real person? Guests then get a taste of London’s famous toxic smog, stuck for an hour in traffic in a diesel taxi. Sample some of the charming local dialect with an exposition from your driver on the shortcomings of assorted soccer managers. Dinner follows in a hipster bicycle-themed restaurant off Brick Lane in London’s authentic East End. Midnight walk to Mayfair, escorted by the police.

Day Four: Can we go home yet? No.

Day Five: Nigel Farage’s Britain. The LBC disc-jockey and former politician hosts a tour of the House of Commons. We are very excited about this because it will be Nigel’s first ever visit to the Commons. Tour followed by drinks on the famous Palace of Westminster terrace overlooking ye olde River Thames. Closing speech on the transatlantic special relationship by William Shakespeare (**).

Day Six: First flight home.

Reaction is delighted to offer this exclusive package tour for $25,000 per person. Spaces are limited.

*Bespoke, does not mean bespoke.

**Real William Shakespeare not included.

In fact, nothing is included. Terms and conditions apply.