Boris didn’t infantilise British politics with his Peppa Peg moment
As Boris Johnson rightly pushes Peppa Pig’s law and order agenda to the front of British political debate and Ted Cruz highlights the dangers to American freedom posed by Sesame Street’s Big Bird, perhaps it’s time to look at other classic children’s TV and see how they might be viewed in the age of the Culture War.
After all, Bagpuss might have been an “old, saggy cloth cat, baggy, and a bit loose at the seams” but even Emily’s love wasn’t enough to save the shop, which she had to sell to pay for 80% of his long-term care costs. Poor Professor Yaffle, meanwhile, made from wood illegally exported from Spain by the late Lord Elgin, was repatriated to his homeland where he is now on display in a rarely visited wing of The Prado. As for the mouse organ: it contravened so many workplace rules it had to be destroyed. The mice subsequently fell prey to the Prevention of Damage by Pests Act 1949, as well as the government’s new wild mammals legislation, and the last of them were culled before they could gnaw through any electric cables in roof spaces. May their little sweet-voiced souls rest in peace.
(Gabriel and Madeleine were just dolls and later sold on eBay for a tidy profit.)
The Teletubbies, meanwhile, have proved to be climate change propaganda given the lack of scientific evidence that the Sun Baby caused their strange mutations. The same can be said about The Flowerpot Men who were subsequently ruled “invasive and non-native” and listed alongside Japanese knotweed as species to be destroyed. But that just highlights the problem with classic children’s TV. There was no legislation to protect children from such malign influences in their lives.
What was Grange Hill other than an anti-grammar school project to convince people that comprehensive schools were an effective means of education? Nobody ever talks about Zammo’s heroin addiction caused by years spent dodging forked-sausages thrown across the dining hall. Mr Bronson tried to impose a bit of authority, but he was body-shamed about his baldness. It’s disgusting to think that this was ever considered acceptable viewing for the nation’s children!
And speaking of heavy-duty psychotropic drugs in children’s TV, only now is it obvious that The Magic Roundabout was gateway TV for children who would later become the kind of adult to eat mushrooms and end up standing in the middle of the M25 screaming about spring-powered fire wizards. The Clangers, meanwhile, taught children bad science about the existence of The Soup Dragon, yet not a word was ever said about the sterile lunar surface, the absence of evidence of life on other planets, or even the heat death of the universe. How are children meant to grow up with a proper sense of futility if they haven’t been taught entropy and the basics of thermodynamics?!
What we needed was more programmes like Swap Shop, which at least taught children the power of capitalism, and less Blue Peter teaching children that any world problem can be solved by collecting enough used postage. Crackerjack, meanwhile, was a cabbage-based cult centred around the enigmatic figure of Ed “Stewpot” Stewart and John Craven’s Newsround was the epitome of biased reporting given that it never reported stories of interest to adults. Rainbow taught children that it was okay for four men to live with one woman, a large bear, a small pink hippopotamus, and whatever the hell Zippy was. As for Danger Mouse: it perpetuated the worst romantic myths about the secret intelligence service, most of whose work involves SigInt and cultivating human sources.
Postman Pat was clearly made to hinder the denationalisation of the Post Office, whilst Thomas the Tank Engine did the same for the railways. As for The Chuckle Brothers, their similarities to Trotsky and Stalin has been well noted. Less well commented upon is the way their normalised Marxist thinking. “To me, to you” stands alongside “Workers of the world, unite” as an anthem for the redistribution of wealth.
The point, surely, is that Boris Johnson was right to highlight Peppa Pig in this ongoing war for the hearts and minds of our youth. People who accuse him of infantilising our politics are surely missing the point, which is… er… gosh… I’m sorry… forgive me…. give me a moment… oh yes… that British politics might seem irreparably broken but there is still hope?
In the words of one of the 20th century’s greatest thinkers: “Can we fix it? Yes, we can!”
Who said that? Bob the Builder. 1998.
Sheesh…