Bravo for Brexit. Now, let’s play hardball

Alea iacta est, as Boris might express it. That ribbon of water behind us is the Rubicon and now we are marching on Rome or, at any rate, the Treaty of Rome which is rapidly being shredded by a combination of Brexit and the crazed currency and migration policies of the EU. Brussels apparatchiks are in a state of shock: until Theresa May’s letter was opened, many of them had clung to the delusory hope that, in an Oscars-style mix-up, the envelope would contain a humble request for Britain to join the euro.

Michel Barnier’s “hardline” warnings on tough Brexit negotiations were just the latest strophe from the Greek chorus of doom with which deluded Europhiles have greeted Britain’s decision to leave the struggling Brussels cartel before it implodes. The front cover of the German publication Die Welt on the morning of Article 50 said it all: it portrayed Theresa May adrift in a paper Union Jack boat beneath the legend “For the United Kingdom, a journey into the unknown.”

That is rich, coming from a country whose insane immigration policy has sundered the EU. Apparently the EU is an oasis of stability with an assured future; by abandoning it Britain is sailing into the uncharted waters of terra incognita (“Here be dragons”), the dark regions where lurk primitive, impoverished lands such as the United States and Switzerland. The EU’s global credibility is zero: its “celebration” of the 60th anniversary of the Treaty of Rome within days of Britain’s formal departure was either viewed with global ‎derision or completely ignored.

The implausible narrative of foreign and domestic Remainers alike has been a nightmare period of two years ahead of us in which hapless British representatives will be roasted and tormented by the Talleyrand-talented negotiators of 27 mighty and united EU member states before we are finally cast into exterior darkness. Britain is to be spectacularly “punished”.

The first business of the “negotiations” will be to mug Britain for £52bn as a “divorce bill”. Until that Danegeld is disbursed, no progress is to be looked for. That ludicrous demand tells us all we need to know about the delusions, bad faith and bandit instincts of the Brussels behemoth.

We do not owe Brussels a penny. How could we, when we have consistently been net contributors to the EU for 44 years? Significantly, for the last 20 of those years the EU’s auditors have refused to sign off its accounts. Yet now it is posing as a fiscal stickler and presenting a fictitious bill to Britain. The House of Lords has produced a report concluding – as common sense already dictated – that we do not owe the EU anything. Nor can the House of Lords, especially in its recent conduct, be characterized as a bastion of crude up-yours-Delors Euroscepticism.

Yet this invented debt has highlighted one of the self-inflicted weaknesses in Britain’s position. Philip Hammond, as Chancellor the man in charge of fiscal issues, has refused to endorse the House of Lords report and is hinting at paying at least part of this blackmail demand. It is problematic enough having Brexit arrangements conducted by a prime minister who, nine months ago, was an active Remainer, but to have a chancellor of the exchequer who is an unreconstructed Remainer is madness. Why is Hammond kept in place? Is it for his formidable Budget-concocting skills?

The “divorce bill” ploy highlights the extremity of the delusions being entertained by Brussels apparatchiks. The leaked resolution of the European Parliament in response to Britain’s invoking Article 50 reveals similar enduring delusions: it contains proposals for a severe response when, in the course of negotiations, Britain performs a U-turn and requests readmission to the EU. The first name on that resolution was that of Guy Verhofstadt. After 44 years of shotgun marriage that is how little Brussels knows Britain.

Hence the deluded mentality behind the two-year “negotiations”. What, apart from trade arrangements, is there to negotiate? One negotiates to enter an organization, not to leave it. The real hard work – and too few commentators have addressed this fact – will be done onshore when we process the Great Repeal Act. Since we are dealing with delusional people, we need to play hardball to bring them into touch with reality.

We need to tell them: if you insist on banging on about a £52bn imaginary debt, we are going out for a smoke; when we return we expect to move on to the real agenda. If you still insist on banging on about your phoney £52bn then we are going back to London to declare independence, create global trade deals, use WTO rules for trading with EU member states and watch the collapse of the EU from a place of safety.

A mighty and united confederacy of 27 states? Get real: we have seen a more disciplined and united sack of stoats. Greece loves Germany? Poland and Hungary are at one with Brussels? The euro is a healthy and stable currency? Italian banks are fit for the sternest stress tests? Everybody is united around Germany’s brilliant immigration policy?

There is little the EU can offer that we want. We have unilaterally rejected the single market, the EEA and the other bogus perks your cartel offers. You have lived in a smug Brussels bubble for so long you cannot imagine anyone saying No to you and meaning it, but that time has come.

So, no brinkmanship for 18 months followed by all-night meetings and panda-eyed deals at the endgame. We won’t indulge you. Time to grow up. If you are not talking seriously and constructively by this summer you will find you are talking to yourselves. The EU needs Britain: Britain does not need the EU. The UK cannot afford to squander two years in jaw-jaw when we should be doing trade deals, stabilizing our currency, ending uncertainty for investors and exploiting the advantages from shrugging off EU red tape.

So, help us tidy up the administrative loose ends neatly and quickly or we shall simply go away and probably reconfigure our economic model (how would UK corporation tax at 9 per cent grab you, Guy?). You’ve all had great fun sabre-rattling for nine months. Now it’s time to abandon the Kaiser Wilhelm II role model and talk like grown-ups about an irreversible historical event. You cannot afford to waste time creating uncertainty in the markets when you should be shoring up your own crumbling edifice.