Disappointing destinations

For those of us mildly addicted to airport departure lounges, it is always a surprise to learn others prefer staying at home. The novelist Kingsley Amis captured the stay-at-home sentiment in the title of one of his early novels, I Like it Here, by which he meant England (despite living in Wales). After the past pandemic year, however, Amis’ liking for Blighty would surely have paled a bit, though travel isn’t always what it is cracked up to be. One person’s idea of heaven is another person’s idea of hell. But in these days of colour-coded travel restrictions there may be perverse consolation in reading about destinations others have found surprisingly disappointing. How appropriate that the word we use to describe our enjoyment of others’ disappointments is a word from abroad: Schadenfreude.

What makes for a disappointing destination? After all, if the trip is for pleasure, we should have done our homework before leaving home; our expectations will, with luck, have been informatively managed. We will know that if we want to avoid the risk of heavy rainfall we shouldn’t head for Bergen on the Norwegian coast, delightful as that city is. If we want to avoid crowds we shouldn’t go to Mediterranean beaches in August. If we want to avoid fellow Brits we should avoid the Dordogne region of France or almost anywhere on the Spanish Costa Brava. And if we pine for the comforting presence of our fellow citizens even when abroad, then we should realise it would be cheaper and simpler just to stay at home.

All of that said, some destinations are still disappointing. This is where Schadenfreude makes its pleasurable entrance. So let me share a few (the list could easily be longer) of the overseas destinations that, in one way or another, have underwhelmed me. As I settle into my staycation this year I will at least be able to remind myself that abroad is not always best.

Bondi Beach, Australia 

Australia is one of the great destinations of the world, but everything isn’t always what it seems. Bondi Beach on the outskirts of Sydney sounds very inviting; we are told it is one of the finest beaches in the world. With that in mind, as you walk around the neighbouring headland and catch sight of the beach opening up before you there is a sense of flatness, of doused expectations. The promenade area beside the beach is spattered with low-slung cafes and shops, all without any architectural distinction or interest. The beach is wide, a half-moon crescent of sand, but it is smaller and less exceptional than assumed. Those among us who can recall childhood trips to the resorts on the Kent coast can’t help thinking that the beach at Margate, especially at low-tide, is much more expansive and ringed by far more interesting buildings. Turner, who painted it so often, was right: the beach at Margate is a place of light and of enchantment. Frankly, Bondi Beach doesn’t compete.

Dubai, UAE 

Dubai has been in the news a lot during the Covid lockdowns in Britain. Social media ‘influencers’ have been busy flaunting themselves in photographs on hotel balconies and at the edge of infinity pools. The international airport to which they all flew is indeed one of the best equipped in the world; perfect for a stopover whilst heading further east. Step outside the airport, however, and you may well be dispirited by what you find. You won’t meet the likes of the great traveller in Arabia, Freya Stark, on the smooth surrounding streets. More to be expected are unwelcome encounters with the ‘influencers’ and others seeking escape from Covid restrictions at home. Perhaps (beware) many of them are lazing there still. Certainly the sun in Dubai shines brightly, even fiercely; it hardly ever rains. The desert shimmers on the horizon. The locals are friendly, restaurants inviting enough. But have you ever checked on the daily temperatures even in our winter months? Have you thought how many ladlefuls of sunscreen protection have to be rubbed all over the basking visitor with nothing to do but lie there? Of course, Dubai is a resourceful place and there are visitor attractions, but does anyone really want to fly to the Gulf to take advantage of its snow-filled indoor winter sports facilities? Most of us would surely prefer the bracing breezes and inviting greenery of the Scottish Highlands with a whisky dram at hand to deal with any unexpected chills. Dubai is great for business and for a stopover but surely not choice number one for a real holiday.

Bangkok, Thailand

If you are tempted by Asia, be careful in your choices. Thailand remains understandably popular, with some beautiful areas of verdant countryside and expansive beaches. Its long history and Buddhist religion make for a wonderful cultural mix alongside one of the world’s best cuisines. But – and every disappointing destination has a ‘but’ of course – the beach resorts can be very crowded and Bangkok has real limitations. Thailand’s capital city has many enchanting buildings, especially beside the river and much to see if, that is, you can move around. Rail transport has improved but it is still a city which  can leave you mired in traffic. I recall meetings eventually abandoned after several hours in cars moving at a pace that might embarrass a snail and its family. The megacities in Asia all pose communication challenges and the visitor might think Bangkok no worse than many others. Sometimes, however, one experience in a city tips the balance and makes you wonder if it is your sort of place. In Bangkok, for me, it was a restaurant with the improbable name of ‘Cabbages and Condoms’. I was taken there by a local contact one balmy evening. The entrance said it all, the staff greeted us beside tall swaying balloons in the shape of condoms. The theme was not ignored as the evening wore on and at the exit baskets of condoms sat like bowls of peppermints at other more conventional establishments. No cabbages though. It was a restaurant experience that sits uneasily in the memory, more unsettling than disappointing.

Texel/Amsterdam, Holland

Closer to hand and only a short hop across the North Sea, Amsterdam is one of the most popular destinations for British tourists. It has many attractions, even if the roads and pathways beside the beautiful canals are usually heaving with visitors. The locals often feel squeezed out of their own city. If it all gets too much or if they simply want to escape to the sea and countryside, they often head to one of the nearby islands, especially Texel. Amsterdammers talk almost elegiacally of the charms of the island. In fact, it is a rather dull place studded with small hamlets and some slightly bijou cafes and restaurants. It is not an inexpensive island and the uniformly low-lying land is in truth not so entrancing. At least, not unless you are a local seeking respite from the swarming crowds and tightly populated streets of Amsterdam and other nearby cities. So there is every reason to visit Amsterdam and enjoy its galleries and other cultural delights, but don’t be tempted to add Texel to your itinerary. If you want marshy borderlands with avian wildlife just head out to islands like Mersea on the watery edges of Essex. There, too, you can sample some of the best oysters in the world.