ITV leaders debate: I’m a voter get me out of here

So, let’s have your thoughts on how to take the toxicity out of British politics. You have 45 seconds to answer and here’s Julie Etchingham to yell at you when your time is over… Go!

Okay. It’s might not be the yogic way of restoring harmony to our politics but on the basis of the first leaders’ debate (an hour-long, 40 odd minutes if you take out the ads, about three minutes and change if you only include the debate), we have a very long way to go. At one point, Etchingham had Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn shake hands but it was the kind of stunt that always goes wrong in horror movies where it’s obvious that elemental forces should never touch. The two leaders faced off like some ancient Chinese symbol representing perverseness and perfidy; Corbyn’s world-weary Ying to Johnson’s shameless Wang. Neither wanted to talk much about the things that define them and preferred instead to spend more time dissembling about what they insist the other believes.

For Johnson, the night was about explaining that Corbyn doesn’t believe in Brexit, would be bad for Brexit, and still hadn’t made up his mind about Brexit. He spent the rest of his time talking about Brexit in the context of Brexit with a particular focus on the Brexity side of Brexit. For Corbyn, he was out to portray Johnson as untrustworthy, ready to sell the NHS to the Yanks, and totally obsessed with Brexit. The time left didn’t leave much room to talk about their plans. Nor were they given much encouragement to do so.

Perhaps ahead of the next election (we say this every time), somebody should sit down and work out the role of the British public in these TV debates. Making politics interesting to people who habitually complain that it’s “boring” seems impossible this side of employing a water slide, Martin Clunes, and a pit full of crocodiles (coming soon to ITV3), but the compromises made for an ITV 8pm slot results in an “I’m A Politician Get Me Out of Here” experience – rushed, debased, almost as meaningful as interpreting the guttural snorts of the leaders as they fly past us rushing towards the commercial break. A sop to “engagement”, questions from “the public” are meaningless without targeted follow-ups and a few well-sourced facts. “Can you reassure me that we won’t be talking about [Brexit] forever?” was the night’s first question but what, you might wonder, were the leaders meant to do? Take it literally – “yes you won’t be talking about it forever” – or do as both did on the night: fall back to statements rehearsed so often they deserve a spot among Britbox’s comedy classics.

The whole thing was an insult to anybody who’d spent their early evening figuring out their password to their long-dormant ITV.com account. America this week gets yet another 3 hours devoted to a proper debate between Democratic presidential nominees. It’s overkill, certainly, but a damn sight better than a few minutes of hectoring squeezed between Emmerdale and I’m A Celebrity.

A show in which everything was rushed, garbled and dominated by a guy shouting “oven-ready Brexit” was never going to tell us much about the coming campaign or the state of the two political machines. What’s clear, however, is that the Tories are already reheating the election strategy they found wedged down the back seat of the 2015 battle bus. Sure, there might be a few teeth marks from the last time it was used to frighten English voters with the threat of Scottish rule but deploying Nicola Sturgeon this early in the campaign is also a risky move. Johnson had pinned Corbyn with a nice line about the “chaotic coalitions” but it only set up an even better reply from Corbyn who said that “there has been nine years of chaotic coalitions already”. Perhaps Labour will be ready for it this time and the Conservatives will have to come up with an original strategy.

Or perhaps they won’t. They could just make the entire election about Brexit and perhaps it will work. There have certainly been sitcoms in the 8pm time slot with worse premises (and fewer laughs). Want to talk NHS? It’s a Brexit issue! Spending: cue the comedy trombone because… also Brexit! The public’s inability to trust the leaders? Whoops Vicar, obviously they were asking about Brexit! It really was a surprise when Johnson didn’t pop up during the ad breaks to explain how Brexit will help fight cholesterol, find cheaper car insurance, and prevent constipation.

And speaking of constipation… Jeremy Corbyn spent the night grimacing from under a pair of slightly askew glasses. He didn’t look comfortable. Perhaps he sensed the rushed format didn’t suit him. YouGov awarded him a narrow victory on the night which is fair given that the format got in the way of nearly everything. He certainly needs a better answer to the antisemitism question but it might also be too late. It’s a problem of party management that should have been sorted out long before now.

Elsewhere Corbyn appeared strong where Johnson was weak, but that strength was explicitly a product of Johnson’s unwillingness to stray much beyond Brexit. To say that neither leader put much meat on the policy bone would misrepresent how much bone was on show. Yet if Johnson continues to shamelessly ignore questions around trust, corporate greed, and the NHS, he shouldn’t be surprised if Corbyn scores big points. He should also dial back his inner Boris. Shouting over Etchingham was a terrible look, especially when he wasn’t merely finishing thoughts but launching into new digressions. It appeared at times as though he simply disliked being told what to do.

What is also clear is that we face an election in which big picture politics will be set against the deeply personal. Johnson is almost believable when he reaches for the visionary stuff he can wrap in the big padded bravado of his personality. He’s less convincing at connecting with people. Johnso smears sensitivity around like he’s mopping muddy flood water.

Corbyn is best describing the personal struggles of ordinary people but unconvincing around solutions to big problems that won’t eventually end with him hiding in his allotment shed.