Let’s make the ERG leadership pay personally for Big Ben Bong for Brexit

Having never understood the fuss about the supposed centrality of Big Ben in our national story, or the wider fuss made about the Palace of Westminster, I could not care less if there is a “bong” from Big Ben on the night Brexit happens and Britain leaves the EU.

The crumbling Palace of Westminster is, in my view, an overrated 19th century Gothic fake recreation of an imagined version of 17th and 18th century England. The only part of the place that gives me the shivers, and not just because it is always cold in there, is the vast, original Westminster Hall. That cavernous space is the real deal. The trials of William Wallace and Charles I took place there. It was the gathering point too, the location where the country came for centuries to “lobby” politicians. It is also, I think, where the ludicrous John “that’s enough about you let’s talk about me” Bercow gave a lecture to the Queen about diversity and all that stuff. That was only Bercow’s thirty fifth most ludicrous piece of presumptuous muppetry in his now concluded career. But that’s another article entirely.

Back to Big Bong. A campaign has been got going by bored hardline Brexiteer MPs who want Big Ben to ring out for Brexit on 31 January. Now that Brexit is happening they need to say things that will get them on the BBC and Sky News. Tory MP Mark Francois said that he would get it on and bang the gong himself.

The Prime Minister, not unreasonably, points out that a Bong for Brexit would cost £500,000, as the clock tower is under renovation. Find the money, say the hardliners. Boris Johnson says that a public appeal may be started. You have to admire his sense of humour in deflecting the demand from some of his more excitable colleagues.

Why do they care? Being in favour of Brexit, although in moderation, I’ve spent a fair bit of time observing the most full-on Brexiteers. Some of them, I’m afraid to say, remind me of Scottish Nationalists or devo fanatics north of the border who will always find it preferable to focus on a nationalistic campaigning point or grievance rather than focusing on public service reform or improving the economy. Obsessing about the constitution or a piece of symbolism is easier than putting in the hard yards on education reform, or modernising health care, or redesigning foreign policy, or improving productivity. Forget all that, just point – look, squirrel! – at a big clock or a flag.

Look out for much more of this from the most hardline Brexiteers in the years ahead as life and public policy turns out to be as complex after Brexit as it has been throughout human history.

But if there is to be a bong from Big Ben from Brexit – and pressure is building from about 25 bored people plus a sprinkling of journalists on Brexity publications – then how should it be paid for?

There is no way a penny of direct taxpayer cash should be wasted on this nonsense. It must be paid for privately.

This is where Johnson has, in his ingenious and crafty way, hit the nail on the head, if not the gong on the bell to make a bong.

Those who want the bong must pay for it. If assorted members of the hardline ERG group of Tory MPs are so keen on the idea, then they should pay for it themselves, out of their savings and pension pots. I will personally man the phone-lines for this appeal and take bank details and coordinate payments. Incidentally, if any pro-Brexit wealthy donors are minded to assist in this total waste of money, can I direct them instead to all manner of animal welfare charities, medical research appeals and programmes to combat rough-sleeping that could do with £500,000?

So, that’s that decided. The individual members of the ERG must pay for it. Let’s crack on with this public appeal. Cheque books – some of them will still have cheque books – at the ready.

There is one other potential alternative. In Spike Milligan’s war memoir – Adolf Hitler, my part in his downfall – the genius recounts how when training in the artillery on the south coast of England in 1940 the country was so strapped that there were no shells for the largest gun. Instead of firing it the recruits had to pretend and shout “bang.”

Inspired by Milligan, the hardest hardline Brexiteers should gather at the foot of Big Ben and at the appointed hour all shout “bong”. Much cheaper and it would make great television.