Nicola Sturgeon exclusive: first draft of her new Daily Record column

It has been revealed that Scotland’s First Minister is to pen (*) a new column for the Scottish tabloid newspaper the Daily Record. Traditionally the Record has been the house organ of the Scottish Labour party, enjoying an extremely close relationship with the party’s leaders, but with the Scottish Labour party no longer in existence the editor is sensibly branching out. Eyebrows have been raised at Sturgeon’s hiring. It is a little unusual for serving party leaders to write a regular column, surely? Nonsense. There is a long history of glorious leaders writing columns all the better to communicate with an adoring public. Mussolini wrote regular despatches. And it is a little known fact that Stalin was behind the popular advice column (“look over your shoulder, it’s probably nothing”) in Pravda.

Happily, Sturgeon’s column for the Record will be a much less sinister offering. And readers of Reaction are the first to see it. An exclusive version of the first draft has been passed to me and I publish it in good faith. It’s a little rough and unfinished, including notes to her aides and the editor of the Record on what is to come later. Over to you First Minister:

Lead item: LET’S ALL GET ALONG! (headline in 84pt helvetica extra bold)

As we prepare to take the next steps in our nation’s journey – whatever they might be – let us always remember this.

There is more – much more – that unites us as a country than will ever divide us. Yes voters and No voters. Remainers and Leavers.

All of us care deeply and passionately about the future of this nation. So whatever our disagreements, let us always treat each other with respect. And let’s work harder to understand each other’s point of view.

(Hold on, isn’t this the same as Nicola’s party conference speech last year? Yes.)

Second item here: SHUT IT THERESA! (headline in 45pt helvetica.) Copy to come.

Third item here: All hail proud Scotsman Donald Trump

He’s been controversial. He speaks his mind. He’s a little unkind about Mexicans, women, disabled people, the Chinese, or anyone who disagrees with him. But Donald Trump won the US election fair and square and we need to give him a chance when he becomes President of the United States later this week. I’m delighted that there will be a proud Scotsman in the Oval Office. The Donald’s mother is from Easterhouse (note to subs is this correct? please check.) And he loves this country. His election also makes it more important than ever that we rid Scotland of nuclear weapons. To ensure Scotland is not a target in the coming Third World War and apocalypse. Good luck Donald!

Short item: Punchy piece on SNP achievements after 10 years governing Scotland. How much more space do we have? Can probably fit in short paragraph.

Another short item needed here. Something accessible on Great British Bake Off and the need for more Scottish cakes? But not for my good friend Alex Salmond obviously! No shortage of cakes there!

(*) May not actually be written by Nicola Sturgeon herself, but then her real column in the Daily Record may not be written by Nicola Sturgeon herself either. More next week.