Royal Wedding Madness Guide – ten telltale signs that Britain has gone bonkers

This is Iain Martin’s weekly newsletter. Exclusively for Reaction subscribers. 

In mind for this latest edition of my newsletter ‎I had planned something on the Customs Union and Max Fac, but you have all suffered enough. This is not to say that the Brexit story is without drama to come. The European Council in June promises to be exciting, as these things go, and there will be knife edge moments in the Commons. But as it stands, the cabinet is trapped in a Groundhog Day nightmare of arguments about cameras and livestock passports. Only five weeks from when this is supposed to all be finalised in Brussels, the cabinet is still negotiating with itself. This situation is a national disgrace, of course. But then there are only so many times one can say it without risking the displeasure of readers.

There is always the possibility that May is doing this deliberately. Letting it drag out, refusing to decide, driving everyone involved mad with boredom and frustration, until… hey presto, Brussels, and Berlin and Paris and Dublin say out of desperation “okay, yes, a fudge, anything to change the subject.” Either that happens, or instead it is “hello hard Brexit, this might make your eyes water a bit.”

Anyway, instead of all that rubbish, or the other pompous thing I had in mind about the fragile state of the rest of the EU, this edition of my Reaction newsletter is dedicated purely to the Royal wedding.

It is all very confusing. Who is Thomas Markle? Why has the last week resembled Meet the Fockers? Who were the people lining the streets in Windsor 72 hours before the wedding?

The main question is as follows. Has Britain gone mad?

‎Yes, but in a good and a very British way. How do I know this? Years spent on newspapers that produced Royal supplements (funerals and so on) taught me to recognise the warning signs. So, here are the ten telltale signs that Britain has gone Royal Wedding bonkers.

1) There is a Royal wedding on.

2) GMB (the breakfast TV programme, not the trade union) has ascended to a new plane of intense muppetry. On Good Morning Britain on ITV on Friday, Diana’s former butler was interviewed live from Windsor providing expert analysis. Paul Burrell revealed that Diana is there with him, in the form of his cufflinks.‎ Burrell was then asked by the hosts to paint a picture of what the Queen, at home in Windsor, would be doing between 8am and 9am. Well, he explained with due solemnity, she will be having some toast. And maybe a cup of tea. How do I know, you are wondering, what was happening on GMB? I was watching it. Indeed, I cannot get enough of it during a big popular story. In any normal week I’m a Radio 4 Today programme man in the morning, although lately I have joined the defectors to Radio 3 and Petroc. Why? It’s not just Brexit Max Fac fatigue and Trump weariness. No, worse, the declared ambition of Today bosses is, we are told, to turn it into an “ambassaddor’s cocktail reception.” Who wants to go to a cocktail party at 7.22am or even to hear about last night’s cocktail party? The conversation is usually terrible at cocktail parties, incidentally. And there are never any proper cocktails, only bad wine. In fact, there is never enough booze full stop at embassy receptions, unless the Irish or the French are throwing the party. Anyway, GMB has been the place to be, this week. Next week, for me, it’s back to boring Max Fac and Radio 4, or Radio 3.

3) The great Gyles Brandreth on the television in a Union flag blazer. Did I dream this?

4) Michael Portillo wearing full morning suit on BBC show This Week, and a top hat and very dark sunglasses. ‎This happened, on Thursday after the watershed. And to think how close Michael came to becoming Prime Minister of this country.

5) Tins of presentation biscuits and bottles of Royal Wedding Special Cuvée Cava in M&S. Special Cuvée! Of Cava? Think about it. Alongside the cardboard presentation stand with plastic bunting, a forlorn member of staff who has drawn the short straw must stand and wave a tiny Union flag on a stick. Meanwhile, a stressed manager runs around carrying 200 boxes of Meghan Markle ceremonial custard creams.

6) Republicans are even more unhappy than usual during a Royal wedding. They love being unhappy during a Royal wedding. It is their most favourite thing. But be careful if you provoke a Republican at this sensitive time. They may start quoting Larkin on weddings at you, or suggesting that Buckingham Palace would make a very nice Museum of the Industrial Revolution or a homeless shelter, or suggesting that London should be moved to Leeds. If this happens, back away slowly to go and have a Royal biscuit with a cup of tea in your Meghan Markle memorial (celebration, surely?) mug.

7) The American news networks are in town and they take Royal weddings very seriously. In their enthusiasm, confusion can result. To assist, a small crew of brilliant Brits are – in exchange for dollars and as much Royal wedding cava as they can drink – on hand in the temporary media village at Windsor to act as cultural translators. I hear of one brave soul who has, for a week, been trying to explain “coronation chicken” to news anchors from Manhattan.

8) Meanwhile, British journalists from the posh papers are arguing about whether or not the Royal wedding as a story is getting too much coverage, compared to China or Max Fac. Nonsense. The news business has had a tough time. Royal weddings are good for the news business. Bring it on, I say.

9) Long articles by newspaper features departments about wedding hats, or hats in general. No-one wears hats. Only twats wear hats, as the old saying goes.

10)‎ Normally reliable historians talking rubbish in TV news discussions. On Thursday on Newsnight, one such historian declared that Meghan may be the first modern Royal to speak her mind. Sure. Apart from the Queen, Princess Anne, the Queen Mother, and Princess Margaret, to say nothing of Diana. The idea of the Royal family pre-Meghan being populated by timid women is ahistorical rubbish. The British monarchy was made in large part by strong women. Elizabeth I. Queen Victoria. And Queen Elizabeth II.

Enjoy the wedding madness, whether you are in Manhattan (hi Rob) getting up at dawn to tune in, or in the UK mainlining special edition Royal Prosecco from a budget supermarket (non official prosecco may cause temporary, or permanent, blindness.)

Have a good weekend. And also, before I go, a word of thanks to Olivia Utley, the ace news editor of Reaction. Olivia is leaving for a key post at a leading think tank, who must be cursed for stealing such a talented young hack. She will, we hope, write for Reaction when she can. Welcome Alastair Benn, until now our Weekend Editor. He is the new Reaction news editor and takes over the daily email for subscribers.