Welcome to the most historic week since the last most historic week. It’s sure to be historic. But what will happen exactly? Hold on. I can see the outcome through the fog. It’s… it’s… Sue Pollard from Hi de Hi as Prime Minister with Roy Hattersley as Foreign Secretary and they have a plan to divide Britain down the middle. East Britain will remain in the EU. And West Britain will leave. Belfast will become the new capital of a united Ireland. In Britain, a hard border right down the centre of the country with a Donald Trump-style wall will be mandatory and will, unfortunately, run right through the middle of David Cameron’s shepherd’s hut in Oxfordshire.

I should explain that Sue Pollard, a 1980s “TV personality”, was at a Number 10 party berating or advising Theresa May about Brexit last week, for some reason. Meanwhile, Lord Hattersley has resurfaced to back a second referendum