Revealed: the secret Brexit amendments that have been suppressed by Bercow
Brexit can be confusing. There is so much going on, yet so little too. Which bits matter? Who is Dr Phillip Lee? What is a Barry Gardiner? Is a Barry Gardiner anything to do with Boris Gardiner, the 1980s singer who had a number one hit with “I want to wake up you.”? What on earth is that tall and excessively Brexity MP with the Polish name up to? Why did Amber Rudd rejoin the cabinet so recently if she now wants to resign from the cabinet? What is a humble address? It can’t be anything to do with Diane Abbott if it has the word humble in it.
The remainer writer Ian Dunt captured the sense of fatigue and hysteria among the political and media class when on Twitter today he noted that by every Friday in the Brexit crisis it is hard to remember what happened on Monday.
In the chaos a lot is being overlooked. I have been handed a string of secret amendments that will not be discussed or voted on when the Commons decides on Tuesday what not to do next. The secret ” lost” amendments provide a useful glimpse into the innermost workings of the fevered parliamentary mind at a moment of national crisis.
Amendment 15 – the Ed Balls amendment:
“This House believes in Ed Balls and would like to go back to 2012 with Boris Johnson stuck on a zipwire wearing a crash helmet and waving two Union flags.”
Amendment 16 – the Dr Phillip Lee amendment:
“This House believes that the leading Tory figure in the Remain campaign, Dr Phillip Lee MP, being a General Practitioner, mysteriously overlooked by successive Prime Minister’s for the role of Secretary of State for Health (England and Wales), should immediately be appointed Prime Minister.”
Signed by Dr Phillip Lee. And no-one else.
Amendment 17 – the ERG solution to the Irish border amendment:
“This House agrees to implement the ERG’s plan for solving the Irish border problem, which is not even a problem, just stop going on about it, technology will soon become available, have I shown you my secret laser.”
Signed by the membership of the ERG, although two signatures are ruled inadmissible as they are rendered in crayon and “x” is insufficient identification.
Amendment 18 – amending the ERG Irish border amendment:
“That this House has seen the ERG’s ‘plan’ for the Irish border and believes that the deployment to Belfast of two Amstrad computers and one Ordnance Survey Map (1973 edition) will be insufficient software to handle this complex issue.”
Amendment 19 – the Bill Cash amendement.
“This House believes… (goes on for some considerable time and ends with Brexit, after all that, not happening.)”
Amendment 20 – the congratulate Dominic Grieve amendment:
“This House congratulates Dominic Grieve and observes that he is very clever, and what is more observes that if he was chocolate he would eat himself.”
Signed by Dominic Grieve MP.
Amendment 21 – the demolish all the gazebos on College Green amendment.
“That this House believes all of the media gazebos of the news networks erected for coverage of the Brexit crisis should be demolished immediately and Welsh hill farmers be granted use of the land to help generate extra, or any, revenue.”
Amendment 22 – amending Amendment 21:
“This House will take steps to ensure that MPs are given due warning and removed safely from the gazebos before demolition commences.”
Signed by Anna Soubry and the ten other backbench MPs who appear on a rolling basis on television from the gazebos talking about Brexit.
Amendment 23 – amending Amendment 22:
“This House believes that the MPs who appear regularly on television live from the gazebos on College Green, and who may be inside the gazebos at the time of demolition, should receive no prior warning of the precise timing of the demolition of the gazebos.”
Signed by the 524 MPs who are never asked to be on television.
More secret Brexit amendments next week.