Revealed: the weirdos and misfits hired by Dom Cummings for Number 10 to transform Britain
Ever since Dominic Cummings, strategic guru to Boris Johnson, issued his proclamation demanding that weirdos, misfits, lunatics and unusual economists apply to help remodel Britain, the media has been scrambling to find out who Dom will be hiring in the January transfer window. Well, Reaction has seen the shortlist. It’s pretty extraordinary. Today we can reveal the exciting identities of the intrepid souls who will soon remake our country in their own image.
1) Farti Moped – the Italian physicist and knitwear model. Moped is resting, for now, in his native Bologna. He has been mainly resting since 1995, when he first began considering a range of experiments as yet untried. A pioneer of the “Slow Physics” movement, he first came to the attention of Cummings via a comment Moped left on one of Cummings’ blogs. “Why,” wrote Moped, “is this blog so long?” The pair began corresponding and a firm friendship developed. Moped will work on tackling Britain’s long-running productivity crisis.
2) Olaf Nordstream II – the Trump-supporting Norwegian-American carrot farmer (retired) and amateur astronaut. Recommended personally by President Trump, and stationed in Number 10, Olaf will work mainly on special projects. Olaf first shot to prominence with his unique attempted experiment in space travel. Turning up at Trump Tower in late 2016, clutching a letter from Eric Trump, son of Donald, he demanded to be allowed to attempt a first take off in his prototype rocket (MAGA 1, employing innovative levitational technology rather than rocket fuel) from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial as part of the Trump inauguration ceremony celebration. As the only person who offered his services for the Trump inauguration, Olaf earned the loyalty of the new first family. Immediately contracted by the Trump children to overhaul NASA, Olaf set about dismissing all the Agency’s established data scientists and replacing them with yoga teachers. A Congressional inquiry into Olaf’s alleged links with Russia is ongoing.
3) Paul Pott – communications officer and Keeper of the Spreadsheets for the League of Extraordinary Free-Market Economists (Tufton Street branch). Pott’s seminal paper – Cameron, FFS, Close Down the Government – electrified the Westminster think tank scene when it was published in the early months of the coalition government in 2010. His subsequent work on behalf of sometime Cameron guru Steve Hilton, developing micro nuclear power stations (for sheds in gardens) as part of the Big Society initiative, produced mixed results. Patents are still pending. Inside Number 10 Pott will work mainly on tea-making and closing down the government.
4) A Woman. A key appointment this.
5) Archibald McTavish-Cameron-Mackintosh (of that ilk). The Scottish-born inspiration behind the famed Poll Tax parlayed his success in that department into a career as a part-time weapons inventor stationed on the Isle of Mull. Admittedly, only a few of his designs have made the transition from drawing board to production. The self-firing nuclear weapon utilising Artificial Intelligence and home-operated Sonos technology has proven particularly hard to perfect. But McTavish-Cameron-Mackintosh is a hero to the Cummings crowd. He trained as a data scientist at Cambridge under Hartley Hair. McTavish-Cameron-Mackintosh will be put to work on the NHS.
6) Ho Hum. The controversial maths genius, piano-playing child prodigy and immersive visual artist was exiled from his native China on the basis that his work was deemed too boring for mass consumption. Tate Modern in London snapped him up. His signature work – “U what? (What’s it all about?)” – consisted of a post-referendum video mash-up projected on to 100 foot screens in the Turbine Hall, with a soundtrack specially composed by the Pet Shop Boys. But in late 2018, following a chance meeting with Boris Johnson in a cycle lane superhighway on the Embankment, Ho Hum became a convinced Brexiteer. Expected to bring his expertise to bear on improving bus services in the North of England.
7) Excel Spreadsheet (Version 10). Will be doing much of the difficult work in Number 10, but little is known about this mysterious figure.
8) James Mandarin. As a senior civil servant, with spells in the Treasury and Brussels under his belt, Mandarin might be considered an unusual choice for a team seeking rebels and outsiders. But so far Mandarin’s commitment to change has impressed Boris Johnson. Mandarin (who studied at Oxford with the Prime Minister) has promised to “look closely… for a long time” at the Cummings plan to overhaul the senior civil service. An expert when it comes to conducting inquiries into failed modernisation schemes, after he has pretended to go along with them, Mandarin is well-placed to lead a public inquiry in late 2021.