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Guys,

This will be a difficult email for you to receive. But not half as difficult as it was for me to write.

I’ll cut straight to it. You know I’m not one to beat around the bush with a load of management mumbo jumbo. I like to get to the point. No prevarication or deflection. We’ve always been honest with each other, which is why, you know me to be someone direct, direct but fair and empathetic, a boss and a friend and a colleague, who likes to cut straight to it, rather than beating around the bush with a load of management mumbo jumbo.

Guys, we’re closing down the leadership campaign.

I know this is very disappointing. It’s not how I wanted this journey to end. Our growth figures last year were extraordinary. You smashed it.

Inspired by Dominic Cummings trying to bring down the Chief Executive, sorry I mean inspired by a mission to take this country in a better direction, away from people who don’t brush their hair and back towards organised meeting structures, professionalism, hair-brushing, and attention to policy detail, we gave it our all.

We hit a hurdle. There was a problem in the accounts department.

It seems ironic that there should be negative coverage about the tax affairs of my wife, when the Chief Executive’s wife has caused so many problems for the company. And when the Chief Executive doesn’t have any money and has to borrow it off other people via strange arrangements.

But I’ll say no more. I’m not one to carp. Though the Chief executive’s behaviour does seem very odd when you think about it and a massive scandal that could sink the company cannot be ruled out.

I’m not going anywhere (looks over shoulder). You’ll still see me about the building. Please pop by and say hello. Don’t feel embarrassed.

And who knows what may yet emerge about the Chief Executive to alter the situation later this year. We should certainly keep an eye out.

Guys. Thank you. We’ll always have Eat Out to Help Out.