Take the Great British Brexit quiz

Here is a questionnaire I would like to put to the British people. If honestly answered by voters, we will know a great deal more about Brexit and the current state of British politics (and ourselves) than we do now. Some of the options might not be entirely serious … probably.

Question one. Who do you blame most for everything that has happened since the referendum?

1. David Cameron

2. Jean-Claude Juncker

3. Emmanuel Macron/Angela Merkel

4. Theresa May

5. The bloody EU

6. The arrogant fools that voted the opposite way to me

Question two.  Do you consider the Government’s handling of Brexit thus far to have been:

1. Shambolic

2. Incompetent

3. As good as it was ever going to get

4. Reasonable

5. Impressive (not really)

Question three.  Do you think a different Tory leader could have made greater progress?

1. Yes

2. No

3. What’s a leader?

Question four.  If Yes, who?

1. Jacob Rees-Mogg

2. Boris Johnson

3. Dominic Grieve

4. Amber Rudd

5. Sir John Redwood

6. Margaret Thatcher

7. Winston Churchill

Question five. If Jeremy Corbyn had been prime minister, would Brexit have gone better?

1. Yes

2. No

3. You cannot be serious

Question six. Which other Labour politician might you trust to see Brexit through?

1. Keir Starmer

2. Keir Hardie

3. Hilary Benn

4. Yvette Cooper

5. John McDonnell

6. Kate Hoey

7. Clement Attlee

Question seven.  Have you been impressed by any of the following during the Brexit crisis?

1. The Liberal Democrats

2. The Scottish National Party

3. The Democratic Unionist Party

4. You’re kidding

5. The man with the Bollocks to Brexit banner

Question eight.  If Theresa May returns from Brussels later this month without having secured “alternative arrangements” to the Northern Irish backstop, should she resign?

1. Yes

2. Hell, yes

3. No

Question nine.  In the event that the PM resigns, should there be an immediate general election?

1. Yes

2. No

3. Steady as she goes … know what I mean?

Question ten. If a general election were to be held in March, who would you vote for?

1. The Conservatives

2. Labour

3. Lib Dems

4. SNP

5. Nigel Farage

6. Michel Barnier

Question eleven. If there has to be an extension to the Brexit negotiations, how long should it last?

1. Three months

2. A year

3. Forever

4. There should be no extension beyond the agreed departure date of March 29. Brexit means Brexit, immediately.

Question twelve. If there were to be a second referendum, how would you vote?

1. Remain in the EU

2. Leave tomorrow and damn their eyes

3. Continue to negotiate until we all die of boredom

Question thirteen.  If push came to shove, which would be better for Britain?

1. Continued membership of the Customs Union

2. A Norway-plus deal, based on membership of the European Economic Area (EEA)

3. Paying our dues and taking our chances with the World Trade Organisation

4. Taking our chances and not paying anyone a penny

5. More fudge

Question fourteen. What do make of the Speaker’s performance in recent weeks?

1. Good man – a champion of democracy

2. He should be locked up for abuse of power

3. Orr-der! He’s a pompous little sod, but what makes you think you could do better?

Question fifteen. Is there any chance MPs can get down to important non-Brexit-related business in the next 12 months?

1. Yes

2. No

3. How would we know? You’d get more use out of a chocolate teapot

Question sixteen. Which of the following most urgently deserves a further increase in spending? You may choose two.

1. The NHS

2. Welfare benefits/Universal credit

3. Education

4. Housing

5. Defence

6. The police

7. Border control

8. None of the above. Austerity Must Continue, though not for me, says George Osborne @ verbier

Question seventeen.  Post-Brexit, whatever happens, there will almost certainly be a further increase in immigration, mainly from the Commonwealth. What is your view on this?

1. I welcome it

2. I have concerns, but I understand the need

3. All but essential immigration must be stopped

4. Repatriation is the only answer

5. At least the new lot might speak English

Question eighteen. Do you have any idea what the Backstop means?

1. Yes

2. No

3. Something to do with the Irish border

4. Something to do with baseball

Question nineteen. If you think you do understand it, what is your view of the backstop? Is it

1. An unfortunate necessity intended to keep the Irish border open

2. An abomination dreamed up by Brussels and Dublin to choke off a proper Brexit

3. The first step on the road to the breakup of the United Kingdom

4. Who the Hell do they think they are? The Irish shouldn’t be allowed to get in the way of a full English Brexit.

Question twenty. Which changes to the UK do you foresee over the next ten years? Choose as many as you like.

1. An independent Scotland

2. A united Ireland

3. Owen Glyndower returning to rouse the Welsh

4. Devolution for England, including an English Parliament

5. National bankruptcy

6. No change. We’ll keep buggering on as usual.

____________________________

Bonus questions, for Northern Ireland voters only

In the event of a No-Deal or hard Brexit, is a United Ireland

1. Inevitable

2. More likely than not

3. Unlikely

4. Out of the question. It won’t happen

5. I’ve applied for a Green Card

Do you support a United Ireland?

1. Yes, when it becomes practicable

2. YES! Tiocfaidh ár lá!

3. Ask me again in five years

4. No

5. No! NO! NEVER!.

For which party would you vote if an election were to be called next month?

1. The DUP

2. Sinn Fein

3. The SDLP

4. The UUP

5. Alliance

6. The party where I finally lost my virginity

Do you care that there hasn’t been a Northern Ireland Executive for more than two years?

1. It’s demeaning and unacceptable.

2. Useless buggers. They can’t agree on anything

3. It’s what we deserve. We’re useless, too

4. I can’t remember anything about the last Executive. Wasn’t Arlene in charge of that, or was it yer man McGuinness?