Pass the gin, pass the tonic, for it is well and truly cucumber time. For the unbeknownst, “cucumber time” or “silly season” refers to the period lasting for a few months in summer where frivolous news and eyebrow-raising headlines get their (un)due airtime.
Since silly season kicked off with the revelatory news that Ainsley Harriott “saved his sister from drowning” after she fell into a water feature at the Chelsea Flower Show, the cucumbers have since grown in abundance and can be found in patches of almost every newspaper and news website.
Something tells us this silly season is far from over, but for now, The Hound has harvested a few of their favourites:
“PEE OFF: Our road has been invaded by camper van owners who pee in bushes & RUIN our views.” – The Sun
Van-dwellers have been causing “HAVOC” on a sea-front road, according to The Sun, using bushes “as toilets and having noisy sex in their vans.” Elderly residents of Boscawen Road and Cliff Road in Falmouth, Cornwall, have been left disgruntled and are allegedly sick with these vehicles and the campers’ reckless behaviour. Van-dwellers, you heard em’! Get offaw their lawn!
Locals blast council after “rampant” six foot tall Japanese Knotweed which has taken over a park starts creeping towards their homes like a scene out of “The Day of the Triffids.” – The Daily Mail
Angry residents of Worcester have said that a Japanese knotweed has taken over a park and is creeping towards their homes like a scene from a horror flick, reports The Daily Mail. Locals have said the council has repeatedly ignored their pleas for help from this eyesore weed, which has grown to six feet in the park and is “invading their homes and needs to be tackled.” The knotweed is now “rampant” claim residents, who have been raising their pitchforks to argue that immediate action must be taken against this evil “plant that can destroy buildings” and knows no bounds.
Did Megan Markle terrorise a three-year-old? – The Spectator
In Tom Bowers’ latest book, Revenge, Steerpike discovered that Meghan Markle reportedly picked on Princess Charlotte, then aged three, causing her mother, Kate Middleton, to burst into tears at Meghan’s bridesmaid fitting. The Spectator never fails to shy away from an attention-grabbing headline regarding The Royal Family. Still, we have to give the sub-editor credit here for a headline that exemplifies the pure insanity of cucumber time.
In pictures: First Scottish Tree Hugging Championships – BBC News
The inaugural Scottish Tree Hugging Championships were held at the weekend, reports the BBC. Events in the competition at Ardtornish, on Lochaber’s Morvern peninsula, included hugging as many trees in one minute and freestyle-the most inventive way of hugging a tree. 50-year-old Alasdair Firth, who lives locally on a woodland croft, was crowned the winner for his leaf-covered camouflage suit and award-winning embrace.
The head of Frankfurt Airport says that the travel chaos is partially because so many people travel with black suitcases – Business Insider
The head of Frankfurt Airport, Stefan Schulte, has said that the ubiquity of black suitcases is contributing to luggage pandemonium. Schulte has advised passengers to hand carry their belongings when possible and to use suitcases that are easier to spot. The boss of the airport has not specified exactly what passengers should be carrying, but we assume the more bejewelled, glittery, or blindingly bright, the better.
Woman, 70, fears she will have to sell her £600,000 cottage after being ordered to pay £200,000 to neighbour with wasp allergy because rotten fruit from apple tree kept falling in her garden – Daily Mail
In what the Daily Mail has confusingly deemed an “EXCLUSIVE”, an award-winning gardener fears she will have to sell her home of 40 years after being ordered to pay £200,000 to a neighbour who sued her over a tree that kept dropping apples into her garden. Antoinette Williams, 70, who has been taken to court by Barbara Pilcher, said she has been left “devastated” after losing her battle to overturn the order.
Ms Pilcher, who said she suffers from a wasp allergy, has previously been hospitalised after being stung and claimed she was like a “prisoner” in her own home due to the hundreds of wasp-attracting rotting apples in her garden. To be fair, one bad apple does spoil the whole bunch.
On this week’s edition, Iain Martin is joined by George Trefgarne to discuss the disastrous HS2 project and Max Mitchell from Reaction’s Young Journalist’s Programme talking party conferences and the second Republican debate.