Put down that cruise guide! Now! Into the crackling Christmas log fire with it. Who wants to start the New Year drifting on an upended skyscraper in Atlantic squalls, with 4,000 heave-ho shipmates, listening to celebrity lectures from Gyles Brandreth about how he knitted violently patterned reindeer pullovers for the Royal Family’s kids, to secure the inside scoop for his new best-selling stocking filler, Elizabeth?