WFC: Working From the Caribbean, a Tory MP writes
Now, look here! This is intolerable! November’s weather is simply too hot here in the West… er… the West… of Devon… to be arguing about “sleaze” in British politics.
Do I really want to be adopting my deepest and most sonorous voice with the mercury topping 28 degrees in the shade? No, I most certainly do not. It’s time to get back to the issues that matter to the British people: how goes this year’s banana harvest; what are we doing to protect the Caribbean sea turtle; and how does a man declare nearly a million of foreign-earned capital to HMRC without them putting the squeeze on his old Bermudas?
It’s deeply regrettable that people are being distracted from the big issues, such as the climate crisis. I know that I express the concerns of my constituents when I say that global warming is likely to cause more hurricanes that will devastate parts of Cornwall, as well as the surrounding regions of Cuba, Puerto Rico, and Florida. We must also act now to save our crystal-clear lagoons and coral reefs, as well as protect the varieties of crocodiles found in the waters just 5000 miles off the coast of Torquay.
Won’t anybody think of the crocodiles?!
People also need to stop throwing around the word “sleaze”, which runs the risk of losing its meaning. If I were advising the media (rates are available upon request), I would point out that “sleaze” is a very specific term and only ever applies to adultery in the shadow cabinet, cash coming from Labour Party donors, and anything that the Lib Dems get up to in a caravan on a rainy weekend in Torbay involving the Lovehoney autumn/winter catalogue.
It’s time, instead, to talk about the hard practicalities of being an MP, earning just £81,932 a year. That might sound a lot but it’s only £50,471 above the UK’s average wage or less than a Range Rover Discovery. Could anybody be expected to live on that income or get around this terrain during the rainy season without a four-wheel drive? Have you seen the price of fresh cocktail pineapples these days? And then there’s sunscreen. I go through at least two tubes of La Prairie Cellular Swiss UV Protection a week.
I’m sorry but it needs to be said: if the British people want their parliament full of people of the highest quality, then they must accept that those talented people need to earn that little million extra to match what they would have earned in the private sector. Without that incentive, you wouldn’t have so many brain surgeons, professors of ethics, and world-class engineers in the House of Commons. [Beryl, before you type this up, can you double-check how many brain surgeons, professors of ethics, and world-class engineers are currently in the House of Commons?]
People also talk about a “conflict of interests” but what does that even mean? Speaking as a highly trained barrister, I can say with some certainty that you can only have a conflict of interest if there’s any interest, and who, really, is interested in what one humble Right Honourable QC MP gets up to in the West Indies? What happens in the British Virgin Isles stays in the British Virgin Isles. Isn’t that the rule? [Beryl, again, double-check that’s the rule, could you?]
So, let’s get back to talking about the things that matter and let’s talk about them calmly, in a tone two octave below middle C, with the deep rumbling gravitas that makes people run for the hills lest there’s a tsunami inbound. Let us forget what those media types in London might say, peddling fears about the national shortage of barista oat milk. What the people of West Devon want to know is if there’s going to be enough coconut milk! Does the government propose to tax the snorkel? And what are the chances of the national cricket team now that Dwayne Bravo has announced his retirement from the international game?
These are the questions that matter to my constituents as they also matter to me as the MP for the West… the West of Devon.
Yes, quite definitely: the West of Devon.