Now, look here! This is intolerable! November’s weather is simply too hot here in the West… er… the West… of Devon… to be arguing about “sleaze” in British politics.

Do I really want to be adopting my deepest and most sonorous voice with the mercury topping 28 degrees in the shade? No, I most certainly do not. It’s time to get back to the issues that matter to the British people: how goes this year’s banana harvest; what are we doing to protect the Caribbean sea turtle; and how does a man declare nearly a million of foreign-earned capital to HMRC without them putting the squeeze on his old Bermudas?

It’s deeply regrettable that people are being distracted from the big issues, such as the climate crisis. I know that I express the concerns of my constituents when I say that global warming is likely to cause more hurricanes that will devastate parts of Cornwall, as well as the surrounding regions of Cuba, Puerto Rico, and Florida. We must also act now to save our crystal-clear lagoons and coral reefs, as well as protect the varieties of crocodiles found in the waters just 5000 miles off the coast of Torquay.