Happy Jubilee, Boris (and Your Majesty)!

There’s much to see and do over the big Jubilee Weekend, so there’s a good chance you’ll miss some of the major events. To help you get your bunting in order ahead of the celebrations, our regular columnist hands over to royal and constitutional expert fawning lickspittle Alastair Puce OBE to give his view from the top of the flagpole.

What is sure to be a glorious Bank Holiday weekend will start on Friday as celebrations are officially opened by the Prime Minister, who has agreed to fasten his jacket and comb his hair for the occasion. At ten o’clock, he will appear on Downing Street’s steps to give the double thumbs up and official Benny Hill salute before announcing plans to roll the country back to 1953 values, congratulate Dwight D. Eisenhower on his election and make a particularly topical joke about the death of Stalin. He will also confirm plans to bring back imperial units, with Jacob Rees-Mogg in attendance (top hats de rigour) to consume a yard of ale, a fluid scruple of whisky, and half a peck of snuff.

The Prime Minister will then jog across to Hyde Park dressed in luminous safety gear to remind us that this is a time to heal the nation (except for Liverpool, Scotland, and Lorraine Kelly) and that the Jubilee is beyond politics, even “Captain Hindsight’s disastrously woke plans to nationalise ‘feelings’”. The ceremony will end with the Prime Minister releasing 70 white doves over Hyde Park, immediately followed by 70 gunshots by the good yeomen of the Countryside Alliance.

Friday morning with end with members of the royal family arriving at Westminster Abbey for a service of thanksgiving for the Queen’s 70 years. The Prime Minister will be in attendance and will read a sermon about Jesus forgiving the lovable sinner who attended a small wine do on the Sabbath. He will again give the double thumbs-up and official Benny Hill salute on behalf of a grateful nation.

Saturday kicks off with the BBC’s “Platinum Party at the Palace”, with Boris Johnson expected to declare it “a supine neoliberal jelly that spaffs the license fee on cartwheeling dodecahedrons of bilious rot”. There will be much cheering along The Mall as we are treated to a procession of stars of the past 70 years. Titled “Forgotten But Not Gone” it will include Gary Wilmot, Peter Duncan, Tina Barrett (S Club 7), Cheryl Baker, The Cheeky Girls, that funny weather presenter (you know… the one who used to point a lot), and David “Cheap as Chips” Dickinson, who will later apologise for insensitive remarks over the spiralling cost of potatoes.

What’s that you say? An intruder on Buckingham Place rooftops? No, no! That’s just a splay-legged Brian May fingering his fretboard with a suspiciously blonde Freddie Mercury. Except that’s not Freddie! It’s Boris Johnson in one of his many disguises providing yet another Jubilee surprise as he sings “Don’t Stop Me Now (It’s Actually a Works Event)”.

At midnight, Big Ben will toll 70 times and, when that’s finished (about 3am), Boris will provide another iconic moment by zip-lining from the top of Buckingham Palace whilst quoting from Shakespeare whilst wearing pumpkin slops and patriotic hose. If all goes to plan, he will get stuck directly above the Albert Memorial haloed by fireworks as he fires an NLAW to ignite the first in a nationwide network of bonfires (aka the government’s new “Keep Britain Warm” scheme ahead of the winter months).

Sunday is when Her Majesty will finally make an appearance on the balcony, alongside the Prime Minister and other members of the royal family up to the maximum structural load of two imperial tonnes. Boris Johnson will then lead the nation in singing the national anthem (two thumbs, Benny Hill salute, etc.)

Her sublime Majesty’s love of horses will be reflected in the final event of the evening, as Alan Titchmarsh and Dame Joanna Lumley introduce Megan Thee Stallion who will perform from the Prince Andrew stage built to entirely obscure Prince Andrew. This will be followed by a surprise appearance by Megan Nee Sussex, supported by the Netflix Dancers. Her prayer for universal love, hope, and promotional opportunities will close the Jubilee celebrations and bring harmony back to the royal household.

The ceremony will conclude with Boris Johnson tapping his watch and mumbling something about him being sure that everybody’s having a good time but isn’t it time to get back to the office…

And with that, the only thing left to say is: here’s to another five years when it will be the, er, Bitcoin Jubilee?

Alastair Puce OBE was speaking through @DavidWaywell