You having a laugh? Petty Sunak should focus on issues that matter, not nitrous oxide

Spring is in the air and this year our nostrils are overwhelmed by a fresh seasonable sensation. And I’m not even talking about the smell of effluent in our seas and rivers, rotting vegetables in the fields, or toxins clogging every one of our major city streets. No, that smell comes from the great Bonfire of the Inanities that Prime Minister Rishi Sunak lit this week.

The PM clearly thinks the best course to the next election is straight through the petty dislikes of Middle England. Why talk about real issues that would serve the public good when we can talk about imaginary problems and fever dreams? Welcome to the Hot Fuzz school of politics, where we all get to play Edward Woodward for a day, motivated by the single objective: BAN THE LIVING STATUE!

Except under this Prime Minister, “Law & Order” means a big drive to eliminate… [checks notes]… fly-tipping, graffiti, and the use of laughing gas among the young.

The announcement has raised eyebrows and not merely among those huffing the NO2. Two of those activities are already outlawed and the third is considered so low down on the list of drug initiatives that even the government’s health advisers ruled against the move.

One can understand their logic. While it’s never advisable to stick a gas canister up your nose (or suck on a fun-sized dirigible) there are considerably more dangerous things you can do to your body that are currently quite legal. While laughing gas is unhealthy (and can cause serious harm), it’s generally less harmful than the alternatives (ahem… alcohol). Outlawing it might well be the route to making it seem more exciting or pushing teenagers towards the more harmful drugs (ahem… alcohol).

Yet if this is about litter then both alcohol and tobacco result in considerably more rubbish than those little silver canisters you might occasionally see dotting the footpath. Indeed, I remember writing about the sudden appearance of those canisters many years ago when hardly anybody knew what they were, and, since then, their appearance has diminished significantly. So why make a fuss about that now when their use might well be in decline?

Might the Prime Minister be willing to ignore expert advice because this is about neither science nor health? Might it be about giving the public what they want, even if the public don’t know they want it?

What don’t we want? Young people!

And when don’t we want it? In the lead-up to the next general election.

For the most part, this resembles overt grouchiness or performative humbuggery; cheap (and fundamentally weak) electioneering in the name of those people who routinely take to Twitter to complain about those pesky youths having fun. A few weeks ago, a chap became the talk of social media for filming some young lads quietly skateboarding in Lincoln Square in Manchester. The lads were keeping to themselves, causing no trouble, but this soulless bore filmed them, insulted them (mocking them as “virgins”, which surely, should be good at their age and, besides, it is none of his business, right?), and made an issue of something that seemed rooted in a fear that they might do something rather than what they were doing.

If you know that area of Manchester, you’d understand that it’s not the youths that are the problem but the creep of the corporate takeover of public spaces. In truth, a little creative graffiti (like that which adorns Manchester’s vibrant Northern Quarter) would not go amiss around Deansgate where you can’t even walk without risking a run-in with some testosterone-fuelled goon working for private security.

That isn’t to say that graffiti can’t be a problem, alongside fly-tipping and the other kinds of antisocial behaviour mentioned in this policy. Nobody in their right mind thinks anarchic graffiti is a good idea (unless, of course, you’re one of those people who subscribe to the hypocritical position that all graffiti is bad unless it’s done by Banksy and then it’s free money). Yet the government’s position doesn’t feel so much like a well-thought-through policy as much as using the full force of the state to appease voters who simply “don’t like that sort of thing”.

So, in that spirit, if the Prime Minister is looking for a few trivial nuts that demand the sledgehammer treatment, here are a few more suggestions…

Let’s begin with vaping. But not a ban. Just amend the 1925 Geneva Protocol on chemical weapons to include the bubble gum-scented variety. Wars in the Middle East have been over lesser threats.

Then there are pavement parkers, the single most anti-social behaviour there is. And let’s have a special law for those people who park across the pavement with the nose of their car just inside their driveways, so they block the entire pavement from gate to road. I know the Rwanda policy isn’t hugely popular but, applied to this variety of pavement parkers, support would be near universal. Deportation too for people who park on public grassland and verges and leave it dug up and lifeless.

Let’s also do something about card payment machines that beg you for charity every time you use them. When I’m buying my next meal deal, I don’t want to be asked to consider human suffering on a global scale.

Then there are those people who watch things on their phones without using headphones. People who eat with their mouths open. Dog owners who let their dogs jump on strangers with the excuse “he’s just being friendly”.

People who leave the front gate open after pushing unwanted crap through your letterbox…

And unsolicited phone calls. Want an election winner? There it is.

Let’s also ban the word “innit”. I don’t know what it means but I find it annoying whenever I see it written.

And if we are talking petty irritants, I’d like to ban Neil Gaiman from writing any more introductions to classic sci-fi or fantasy books, or from having his name on the cover telling us it’s “splendid”.

And ban seagulls. They’re a menace.

And the word “Juicy” on the seat of any pair of trousers.

And…

What do you mean I’ve already exceeded my word limit… I’ve only just started…

Follow David on Twitter: @DavidWaywell

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