Of all the advantages of moving back to London from Edinburgh, escaping the weekend invasion of stags and hens ranks high on the list.
Scotland’s capital, for all its glories, is too small to accommodate the Friday deposits of thirsty revellers from Waverley station onto Princes Street without upsetting the locals.
Though the city’s festivals have accustomed it to crowds, a summer of arts is one thing, but few welcome the weekly surge of visiting rowdies rendering the city centre a no-go zone.
There are, of course, party tourists – the genteel euphemism for retching hens and gobby stags – in London but, distributed among the nine million, they just don’t stand out in the same way.
In fact, the only hens I’ve encountered in the past year have been well-behaved middle-aged ones, slightly squiffy on cocktails conjured up in my sister’s kitchen ahead of her better late than never nuptials.
Tonight, we’re at it again, off to the theatre, but no one will know we’re hens because there won’t be a “Team Bride” sash or any willy straws in sight, just as there will be no shaved eyebrows (let’s pray) during the stag event running concurrently in the hostelries of a west London suburb, hopefully not anywhere near you.
No one wants to be a party pooper but most of us would prefer it if such celebrations did not take place on our doorstep.
Which is why Amsterdam has become the latest stag (more than hen) venue to try to ban boozy British men from its attractions.
Brits – bachelor annihilation rituals are our preserve – are being warned, via pop-up messages on tourist sites, to “Stay Away”.
They will be told: “Coming to Amsterdam for a messy night and getting trashed equals a £123 fine, a criminal record and fewer prospects.”
Amsterdam city council is targeting Britons in the 18 to 35 age group after finding that they caused the most nuisance in the red light district. Licensing laws and opening hours are being tightened and there will also be a ban on smoking cannabis in red light areas.
Who can blame the city fathers, but the most their actions will achieve is to move the circus on until it comes full circle again.
Dublin, an early pioneer, witting or not, of short break debauchery tried to halt what the Irish Independent coyly called “single sex shenanigans” in 1998, by banning them from Temple Bar, a strip of pubs.
Fun-seeking Brits arriving in the city on cheap Ryanair flights made such pests of themselves that the tourism bosses put up “No hen or stag parties catered for in these premises” signs in the most popular watering holes.
So how did that go down? Back then, Dublin was the third most popular destination of 120 cities worldwide in a Cresta Holidays survey, rated only behind Paris and Amsterdam.
Today, 25 years after the clampdown, it is still thriving, placed number five in the top 10 European cities for the best stag and hen parties by Finnish casino review site Bonusetu.
Amsterdam, and now Edinburgh, take note. The Scottish capital is also, belatedly, attempting to banish “nuisance” tourists, with campaigners, led by the not to be messed with Edinburgh Old Town Association, asking for an Amsterdam-style crackdown.
Association convener Eric Drake said: “Without wanting to sound snobbish, some types of tourists are better for the city or less impactful than others.”
Edinburgh council is reserving its judgement though it would be hard to justify puritanical opprobrium given that the city sanctions “Sh!t-faced Shakespeare” every year at the Fringe, a must-see (“Warning: this show contains scenes of a sexual nature, scenes of violence, strong language and a real live drunk!”).
York – why do beautiful, historic destinations attract the most rabble? – also tried, unsuccessfully in the end, to curb the over-indulged, with local officials, including the Labour MP Rachael Maskell, demanding stag and hen zones to stop ravers seeping into residential areas.
Airbnbs are in the line of fire, too, not just as part of Westminster’s new proposals to tackle antisocial activities in the countryside, but also in cities, like Edinburgh, following complaints from people living near party houses.
But what about trains? I’ve attended more hen, and stag, parties than I care to remember on the LNER Edinburgh to London line, with stops at Newcastle and York, the uninvited guest in many a bubbles-infused bacchanalia.
A Friday alcohol ban on the Scottish leg saw canny carousers start their knees-ups a day earlier but, anyway, lone rail staff are no match for hardened headbangers, and that’s just the hens.
The problem is that, outside of lockdown, it’s difficult to police people having too good a time, pole dancing on the Northern Line in rush hour, tying each other to lamp posts and so on.
Stags or hens who overstep the mark will face the same laws as other delinquents, but if you’re lucky enough to live in a desirable location, with a great night life and a high proportion of pubs per capita, don’t expect to keep it all to yourself.
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