It’s been a busy week since Reaction’s latest dispatch on Love Island. Gavin Williamson’s defence demands, the landmark Billy Caldwell case for medical cannabis, a £20bn pledge for the NHS by 2023, all of this is distracting us from the real news: how are they all doing over in our favourite balearic villa, and what can we learn from the greatest instance of British art to ever grace the small screen.
Love Island, for the uninitiated, is a reality show whereby contestants try to couple up with each other. At the end of their two month stay the nation’s favourite couple, as decided by telephone vote, wins £50,000 and at least D-list celeb status.
Last time we talked about the Love Islanders’ take on Brexit, leading to the astounding revelation that one contestant, Hayley, believed that somehow Brexit would result in the destruction of the entire nation’s trees.
Georgia: Which would mean like welfare, and like things we trade with would be cut down.
Hayley: So does that mean we won’t have any trees?
So, I think we would be remiss to not dwell on the latest developments and glean the insights we can, political, social or cultural, from our beloved contestants.
It’s about time that Reaction readers become au fait with the personalities behind this summer’s cultural phenomenon. But I’m happy to negotiate this on your terms. Get to know the Islander’s via how they voted in the last General Election. Hopefully we can all learn something along the way.
Caveat: This is purely speculative. Obviously I don’t know how they voted. But I have my suspicions.
EYAL – Eyal is a self-styled philosopher from North London. He believes in the power of beads and musing over the nature of the stars. Eyal is intolerable. He obviously voted Green. The thing with Eyal and Green Voters alike is that they don’t actually care about the country, they just want everyone to know they voted Green. He’s probably a secret Tory, but that would be FAR to deleterious to his personal brand. A Green vote helps embolden his tree hugging sensibilities.
ALEX – Alex is the black sheep of the show, as an A&E doctor. Once Hayley physically leapt a metre to avoid kissing him, she said: “I just find it a bit awkward with Alex, I think that he’s got a professional job or something.” Alex probably voted Lib Dem. My reasoning is thus; he’s a London based junior doctor. As a junior doctor he’s got beef with Jeremy Hunt. He’s also profoundly middle class and doesn’t seem to have much of a political inclination. I think he’s troubled by Labour’s anti-semitism stuff, but isn’t really bothered to articulate it. Alex in many ways is a younger and more famous Nick Clegg.
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ADAM – Oh boy, where do we even begin. Adam, the man who prompted a domestic abuse charity to issue a warning about his abusive behaviour in relationships on the reality show. Women’s Aid said there were “clear warning signs” of “gaslighting and emotional abuse” in the young man’s treatment of fellow contestant Rosie Williams, who he was coupled up with.
So, Adam isn’t great. I reckon he’s not particularly political, simply just doesn’t have the time in between emotionally manipulating all those women. But he should be kicked out of the villa, and possibly launched into space. Adam shouldn’t be allowed to vote.
WES – I think we all have a lot to learn from Wes, he gives us a pretty good insight into a lot of the electorate’s mentality. Wes, I assume, votes Tory. He’s a sensible down to earth man, and he votes Tory for some vague non-comital belief in meritocracy. Once he heard something about how it’s actually better for everyone if the economy’s better. And the Tories are better at the economy, right? Not so wrong, Wes.
JACK – Jack is your quintessential Essex wide boy. He sells pens for a living and has teeth brighter than the sun. I reckon he’s both a Brexiteer and votes Tory. Demographically speaking, this is just very likely. Regardless, you could literally change his mind in sub 35 seconds.
SAMIRA – Samira is a Londoner and hangs out with creative types. She’s a backup dancer in the West End and in general is pretty sensible and successful. Samira, again, demographically speaking is almost certainly a Labour voter, but isn’t too keen on Corbyn. She’s probably articulated concerns with the party’s problem with anti-semitism quite well. Either way, she votes Labour. It’s all about the personal brand.
DANI – Dani Dyer is the daughter of Eastender’s actor and TV host Danny Dyer. Yes, you read that correctly. Danny Dyer named his daughter Dani Dyer… the things fame does to you. I don’t really have any greater insight into Dani, I just thought that fact was worth mentioning.
So there we have it, a glimpse into the contestants of the famed Love Island villa. Hopefully this should give you the impetus to start watching, and I can continue to petition for my job title to change to Love Island Correspondent. At least it’s more fun than Brexit…
You can catch Love Island at 9pm on ITV2 tonight.