Life

The book of Greggs

BY Tim Marshall   /  17 November 2017

And it came to pass in those days in the run up to Christmas, that there went out a decree from Greggs HQ which is unto Newcastle Upon Tyne which is east of Blaydon. CEOsar Whiteside did say that all the world should be taxed, each in his own city, but failing that, profits needed to be made with a veritable PR stunt which would have the elders in Fleet St gnashing and wailing.

And the PR Gurus went forth from Newcastle Upon Tyne, which is west of Wallsend, and did make much mischief with the good people.

They brought forth their firstborn sausage, and wrapped it in swaddling puff pastry, and laid it in a manger; because there was no room for it in the bin.

And there were in the same country, managers abiding in the high streets, keeping watch over their shop by night.

And, lo, the Angel of the Tyne came upon them, and the glory of the Board shone round about them: and they were sore afraid in case the PR stunt backfired.

And the angel said unto them, ‘Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day a Savoury, which is the Sausage of Christmas and this shall be a sign for you in the shop window.’

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising HQ, and saying, Glory be to the PR in the highest, and good profit margins.

And it came to pass, as the angels were gone h’away from them unto Hexham, which is also west of Newcastle, the managers said to one to another, ‘Hang on this could all go a bit pear shaped if people start complaining’. But the Angel of the Tyne said unto them, ‘Worry ye not for is not all publicity good publicity in the House of PR?’

And the complaints came with haste saying the Savoury of Mankind was leaving a bad taste in the mouth. ‘It was made that way with that intent’ replied the Angel gazing in adoration at the social media storm which blew in from the east, west, north, and even from the south.

But lo! Three Wise Tweets came to see the Savoury bringing with them gifts of Mould, Frankfurters, and Meh. And they did so pronounce ‘Verily this is the only affront you would risk the wroth of the good people for, there is none other you would dare offend – yea you are as Chicken Bake to us’

And so, on the third hour CEOsar did reach forth and pull the Savoury – truly it had risen from the bread.