Villages along the Risavika Bay in Norway are in mourning today after the tragic and untimely passing of a beloved community member: a 200 stone Beluga whale named “Whaledimir” who is suspected of spying for Putin in a past life.
The beluga’s carcass was spotted floating off the coast yesterday with no clear cause of death. A local non-profit who closely monitors his whereabouts were shocked by the “horrible” death, as he was assessed to be in good health just last Friday. His body’s been brought to shore for investigation.
The abnormally friendly beluga first rose to stardom in 2019 after Norwegian fishermen filmed the creature yelping, spinning, and pining for fish alongside their boat while donning a manmade harness. Perplexed, a fisherman hopped in and managed to free the great cetacean from its bridle, only to discover the custom fit included a camera mount and was inscribed with “Equipment of St. Petersburg”.
Not long after, an investigative report revealed the presence of beluga pens at a Russian “military dolphinarium” in a remote arctic bay, leading many to believe that Whaledimir had escaped from a clandestine spy operation – Jason Bourne style – to freedom in the West.
The mystery surrounding Whaledimir generated international attention and even prompted an investigation from Norway’s intelligence services, who suspected the beluga of reporting on NATO naval movements. No conclusive evidence surfaced however.
Pressured by the media frenzy, a reserve Russian Navy colonel was compelled to deny employing the wayward whale and no Russian research institutes have dared to claim the lost cetacean. In years since, Whaledimir has found asylum in the fjords of Norway, often resurfacing to perform tricks, play fetch and yelp for treats at docks. Not exactly keeping a low profile for a dissident.
As far-fetched as the spy theory may seem, it is not without merit. Whales, dolphins, and sea lions have diligently served in armed forces on both sides of the Atlantic for decades. Equipped with natural sonar, the sea mammals have been trained to detect sea mines, enemy divers, torpedoes and submarines. Rumours have long swirled that dolphins have even been trained to plant explosives on vessels and kill enemy divers. In recent years, allegations have spread of their use in combat, with Hamas alleging Israeli-trained dolphins attempted to kill their naval commandos.
Finned fighters appear to be in use once again in the Ukraine War. A British intelligence report from last year indicates that Russia is housing dolphins in its Crimea based navy harbour to counter potential Ukrainian sea drones and saboteurs. Insultingly, it appears the dolphins are from a troupe trained by Ukraine, stolen in 2014 and set on a path of betrayal.
Whaledimir’s untimely demise – he was only a teenager in whale years – has fueled speculation that Putin has pulled another Salisbury hit, this time with deadly results.
Hopefully, future animal dissidents can learn a lesson from the Icarus-esque fall of Whaledimir. If you’ve turned tail on the Kremlin, it’s best to keep your head below water and avoid making a splash in the media.
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